38 Ditches

What a sad day. Curt Schilling announced his retirement from baseball. Notice he didn’t mention anything about retiring from shooting his mouth off. Most recently he boldly denounced Roger Clemens as a past, present and no doubt, future ” cheater.” Really went out on a limb with that one huh. He and that fathead burgomeister looking Papelbon need to keep holding those Bundestag bashes. Herr Oktober & Herr Oktoberfest–two clowns who would not have appeared out of place singing the Horstwessel Song in 1936.

Curt wants to enter the pure and virtuous world of politics. If he doesn’t like cheaters, he better rethink that move. Not to mention any dirty laundry he might have around, specifically hemotropic hosiery. He also has a blog. Hey! I have a blog. But all my socks are blood free, so far. He could do an album of songs & title it Blood on the Sox. Or Soxday Bloody Soxday. That spotlight ho Bono would probably sing back up. A Hollywood bio-pic could work for him too (not too big a stretch for his ego, or socks)— There Schill Be Blood. Only some suggestions. Nothing written in blood.

Schilling is/was an anomaly among athletes. He rarely resorted to spouting cliches or avoiding the media. In fact, he rarely waited to be asked to give his opinion, often calling a radio program & speaking his mind. Though he’s not a gifted extemporaneous speaker, he dazzles the jockocracy. Of course, they are the same clowns who think Kid Rock is major talent & Peter Gammons is a good guitar player. Not, to the former and meh, to the latter. Being fair & balanced, as a Yankee fan, I would say former NYY center fielder, Bernie Williams is a better guitar player than Kid Schlock & Gammons. That said, that ain’t saying much.

When Mr. Schilling did go to Washington, testifying in the Congressional Hearings on the dumbass Mitchell Report, he was uncharacteristically brief, if not actually curt. His pre-game had loads of bluster, I guess he choked when the game was on the line; he only wins v. the Yankees. For money and the fickle love of Beanotown. Still, who knows, Curt Schilling might help turn the fortunes of the USA around, just as he did with the Red Sox. He didn’t exactly leave there in perfect harmony, but hey, who ever does. At least his doughy pal Papelbon didn’t gloss Schill a ” cancer ” as he did another former soul, er, I mean team mate Manny Ramirez, the current poster boy for Boston persona non grata status. The Boston MLB franchise’s ESPN sponsored annual American League pennant front runner label, comes naturally to them; the fans have been front runners for a century. We’ll see. For sure we’ll hear.

So, Schilling can talk and form his own opinions. Yowzah. It’s easy to admit he was a clutch pitcher (damn facts), who twice got it up to beat the Yankees in championship level games. All this will serve him well if he enters the political arena. He might want to invest in a good pre-wash stain remover though. Politics is a much bloodier game than baseball. Those boys & girls do more than steroids to get a win. Someday he might rather he was in Philadelphia. . ..

Boston Bean Boston

The Cincinnati Reds of the National League, were one of the first organized baseball teams, established in 1882. Historically, they are often considered the first professional team, the original team nickname being the Red Stockings. Stocking in the 19th Century was a word synonymous with the word socks, which is a diminutive of stockings.

The Boston Red Sox came along in 1912. I guess since they were in a different century, league (American), city & state, nobody would notice they couldn’t think of their own name. Why am I not surprised? Before any one leaves a comment, I suggest you could look it up. All of it. Sadly, facts never stopped anyone from B-Mass. I’d have gone with Boston Brahmans myself. If only I’d taken that scholarship to B.U. I’d have only just started hating Manny Ramirez!

Here’s one chowdah heads will truly love. Boston technically does not have an NFL franchise, though they claim the Patriots. When they win. But the city once did have its own pro football team. From 1944 to 1948, get ready for it beanbags: the Boston Yanks! Stole another name and shortened it, again. Golly, Yanks is short for Yankee. Anyone who has ever read more than a comic book, knows all over the world Americans are called Yankees. That must really grind Sawks fans who travel. ” I am nawt a Yankee, you friggin retahdahd bahstahd “

I’m not shocked at the lack of originality. Freud would have had a field day with the subconscious shortening. But since for decades they fell short, if the sock fits. . .. Now the Boston MLB club has bought their own World Series rings ( read that slowly for undeniable accuracy in reportage ), they are again coming up short in the grace department. I’m forced to admit, they are good at nouveau hubris.

I won’t be around to know if I’m right, but I’m betting in 10,001 CE, once they win their 26th WS, the baseball Bostons will adopt that old  Boston Yanks nick. Why not! No matter what they call themselves, they will never be New York. Though I might suggest they adopt the letters N & V. They can interlock and get them close. So close. But no cigar. AND as Dr. Freud once said-sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. They are just shorter in Boston.

Loudmouth Larry

Larry Lucchino, who I think is clubhouse attendant for the Boston Rude Sox, has opened his huge fat mouth. Again. He says—hold on— Larry, can you get that towel over there?— his team will out smart & out work the Yankees. Wow. I’m guessing Larry is planning on tricking the Yankees somehow. This jag becomes the recipient of a teamwide epic NYY choke in 2004 and now he thinks he had something to do with it, other than sign checks. Oh hey Larr, those jockstraps need to go in the wash this morning. Thanks chief.

Maybe Larry will have mandatory magic classes for his team. That would be his style, bring in Ricky Jay from Vegas. Old fats Ortiz can have Mark Teixiera pick a card while he’s on first. Or will Marilyn vos Savant be giving Mensa tutorials to Jason ” Cro Magnon ” Varitek? it won’t help him recover his stroke, but he’ll dazzle A Rod with String Theory 2, instead of sucker punching him, this time around. What a load this clown Lucchino is. The genius who laid the Evil Empire tag on the Yankees. He was looking into a mirror at the time, but conveniently could not see his reflection. He should get Dr. Ruth Westheimer to explain penis envy to him.

I only hope I’m still alive to see that asshole get his comeuppance. I do have the sure solace that some day it will come. There is always a faster gun, Larry. BTW one of your pure home grown boys barfed all over the shower room. I guess you’ll run him out of town the way you did Wade Boggs, Roger Clemens, Nomar Garciaparra & Bronson Arroyo. Here’s a mop, hypocrite. Start ” out working ” the tiles.

Manny’s Inhumanity to Man

Listening to sports talk hosts speak, you’d know where all those types who slept their way through high school English landed. All one ever need know about them is they don’t even say the word athlete correctly ( they routinely & wrongly add a 3rd syllable: ath-ah-leet ). What is even more troubling, is the naiveté and lack of insight these so called professional announcers and the majority of their audience evince.

Prime example is the recent contretemps involving über moron Manny Ramirez. This buffoon has been manifesting his inner creep for years. But the jock sniffocracy* laughed it off with a catch phrase—they love catch phrases, in between mis-pronouncing words: ‘ it’s Manny just being Manny.’ Who, it seems has aquired Bob Marley’s old hair stylist and/or actual hair. And Pedro Martinez’ penchant for pounding old guys.

So, what did M. Ramirez do? did he snub the President of the US ( twice ), buy yet another really expensive car, walk through the Fenway Park scoreboard to wizz, or pose at home plate watching another lameass homerun, have a dugout fight with teammate, Grizzly Youkilis? Nope.

ManRam wanted some tickets for purported family & friends. When he couldn’t get them, he knocked down the first guy he saw, a 60+ security guard. Now some ‘ fans’ are shocked. Why? Manny Ramirez is a self-absorbed asshole. He’s a thug, who has been obscenely overpaid and encouraged because hmmm, he helps the Boston Red Sox win ball games. With or without a bat in his hands, Manny, just being Manny, is a Major League jerk.

Naturally, 99.999% Boston fans could care less, what Manny does. They want more pennants now they’ve had a taste. For 86 years Red Sox proponents had the sports equivalent of penis envy re: the New York Yankees. Oddly, they also had a hard on for all things NYC. Must have been very very confusing. No wonder they worship trogs like Jason Varitek, David Ortiz and M. Ramirez. I could say a lot about those guys, but they do have balls. And know how to use them. Sadly, now they’ve won some World Series, it’s only gotten worse.

These days the once Ruthian cursed Red Sox, have been glossed the world’s greatest baseball team, by its fans & their PR arm: ESPN. Another glaring solipsism jockos are guilty of, is using absolutes. As in declaring Boston’s Peter Gammons a Renaissance Man, because he reports baseball and plays in a band. He’s a yeoman-like guitar player at best (a colorless singer), maybe a cut above Madonna on a 6 string. Though she is currently more knowledgeable about Alex Rodriguez than Gammons is. . ..

Luckily, God, who has abandoned the Yankees ( don’ t ask…), has this season become a fan of the Tampa Bay Rays. The Rays, the team formerly known as the Devil Rays, mainly because they were previously too limpwristed to co-opt Stingrays from a minor league team, have cast out Satan in FLA! Also, they have changed uniform colors to blue & sand( really creative palette fellas ) and now have the best team in baseball. Chalk one up for the fat white Southern Christians who plagued the Tampa Bay franchise, until they changed that brimstone laden monicker this year. A devil ray is a manta and a vegetarian sea creature, but hey! So, GO RAYS! yeah that’s the ticket. . ..

THE HELP DEPARTMENT here is a tip for sports pronouncers: it’s Wimble-DON, not -Ton. How they can claim to have watched the tennis matches and still say Wimbledon wrong, proves my point. Game. Set. Match. You have a whole year to practice, @#%&*! idiots.

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