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Posts Tagged ‘Larry King’

Homeless Box Office

February 23, 2009 Leave a comment

Little did I know when I woke up today, that a cross dressing no talent hump would save my life. According to him, this clown was once reduced to living in his car or some phoney Hollwood bullshit back story. He kept praying to the Lord, and Taylor ( not Tyler ) apparently. Because one day, while dumpster diving for dinner, there amidst the Mickey D boxes & wrappers, he found a size 26 floral housedress.

The rest is dreck history. The Lord obviously sending the message, if you all ready believe in me and that hasn’t worked out, the next stage is dress like a woman and make movies. Larry King is too stupid to ask why this ahole keeps at least one fine big black woman out of work, it’s their problem, huh. Maybe they’ll find a Sumo diaper, move to Japan and make it there. In a related story, Queen Latifah and Jennifer Hudson are duking it out for the lead in a biopic— Tyler Perry: Drag Yo Ass.

My antipathy towards drag flicks—not drag racing Biffaside, I do have him to thank. As soon as I am faced with my own eventual homelessness, I will not make my first stop a store to shoplift an air freshener for my car. I will go to Goodwill and get me a dress, sensible shoes, wig hat and a theatrical agent. Hedging my bets, I’ll drop by Sears and pick up a large Frigidaire box. I’ll probably never make a movie in a dress—just a guess.

I held an Oscar once—I don’t know about now—but 20 years ago, those boys were heavy. They should weigh even heavier on the consciences of the schmucks who didn’t vote for Mickey Rourke. In a year where they got almost everything else right, why? Anyone with a brain knows why. I never had a shot out there. But sometimes I’m glad I never did. I bet my old friend with the Oscar voted for Mickey though—that’s because the friend was a guy from Philadelphia. Ben Franklin & the Stallones would’ve given it to Mr. Rourke for sure. They’d know the difference between merely good acting and a huge heart.

AND since this is a bit random, I’d like to state once again ( and no doubt in a future post ) nothing says going backwards like boxing.* Nothing screams it louder than women boxing. Those idiots call boxing the ” sweet science “. Does the inclusion of women make it the sweeter science? Or maybe just butch-er. There’s a good chance most of them have no idea what science is—the last time beating people might’ve been considered scientific was just before the Paleolithic era.

Maybe I didn’t wake up at all and this is 1809. No wonder my fucking ISP is so slow!

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* Mickey Rourke was a professional boxer before his acting career & for a period of time, during which he left acting. So, I am open minded. Any guy who names a chihuahua after the Norse god of malevolent mischief, is OK with me.

Just Joshing. . ..

May 21, 2008 1 comment

I’m wondering. Why is there only one Jewish guy on record named Jesus? sure it was Jesu in Latin. And Yeshua in Semitic. Does that mean it’s disguised here in the End Times as Joshua? Why do all the fat white phoney Christians in the world accept the Romanticizing of their Super Saver’s, er um Christian, name? They don’ t care for the Pope & Roman Catholics. Or Italians for that matter, except for pizza & the execrable mac & cheese they scarf down. As a person of Latin heritage, I’m offended. Now imagine all those swell hymns & Christian Rock songs with Josh replacing the word Jesus. The Brits have a great word that rhymes with Josh—tosh. Look it up later.

BTW for all people who think Hispanics exclusively own the rights to the Latin title, Wiki again. Italians are the original Latinos. And we have better moustaches, if you don’t count those schifosa on that funky db island dangling off the boot heel. So what’s the deal? All those vatos glossed Jesus, low riding through life, while no Josh’s get Heavenly discounts toward huaraches & sangria. Just kidding. They can get it wholesale.

Which reminds me, I don’t want to live in a world where Larry King has appeared in more movies than James Dean. Jesus! he has to have video of every macher in Hollywood with donkeys ( and I don’t mean Democrats—well, maybe I do )! He sucked on radio in 1978. He hasn’t improved. Though I once vowed to use Larry’s excuse for never reading a guest’s book: he wanted to come fresh to the material, just like the viewer. Ha ha ha. Priceless. Larry was too busy looking for comps on the crab cakes at Duke Ziebert’s. Or more likely, a new Mrs. King. Thank God he isn’t a Latin of any stripe. He does resemble a Preying Mantis, albeit he obviously doesn’t mate within his species, though we could only hope.

Now a word of avuncular advice to young performer Taylor Swift. Your people should all be jailed for allowing you to be seen in a pic with that reptilian Snoop Dung, much less in the same state. Are you a 3D blonde joke? wearing that hoody on that Country show was lame enough. Did 1988 just get around to the trailer park? She’s got talent to spare, but it’s migrating South faster than the Canadien geese, and leaving behind exactly what they do. Word to the urban styling crew: I had that hoody/puffy vest look in 1968. That, and I could rhyme better too.

Don’t get me wrong playas. You can have all the thuggy ho-pimpettes you like. Just keep your mutant bug orbs & feelers off the golden songbirds. Or I’ll order up some Starship Troopers to fry your insectoid asses. Denise Richards was an advance scout. So, if Larry King gets caught in the laser blast. . . oops.

PS Denise–call me. I’ll make you forget Charlie, Richie and Neve. Literally.