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Posts Tagged ‘bullshit’

Where Angels Fear to Tread w/ commentary by Chico Marx

June 26, 2009 2 comments

“Hey! thatsa pretty fonny. You canta fool me boss. Thosa Transformahs ainta racists, theyah battlebots they donta race!” Chico Marx

Let me get this straight. There are some people upset about racism in the new movie Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The pervasive destructive disregard for life, property and national treasures, that’s okay? Not to mention the dogged possibility of damage to Megan Fox. And the veritable lake size puddles of oil they leave behind. I’d be an idiot of the same stripe as they are, to read as if I’d ever condone racism. But the superficial, knee jerk reactions of such people do nothing but actually pour some of that bot fluid on the flames.

They learned a big word once—stereotype. But they learned it in the context of an explanation with negative connotations. Am I even allowed to use negative? Stereotypes, as with the verbal equivalent, the cliché, exist for one reason—they are experiential human shorthand. If it waddles like a duck, we then see a duck, not some poor kid in a mascot suit. Unless of course, it is some kid in a mascot suit. Personally, I have seen just about every stereotype in real life, these jerkoffs complain about. It would be fine with them to have a white trash moron, an Italian mob goombah, a Jewish anything, but not a person of color who isn’t in Mensa? Could’ve been worse, they could’ve had Tyler Perry in drag Transformer. . ..

Bullshit. They are the people with the problem. It is so intense of a problem, they see racist in the use of the word people. In the Sixties, I was a second generation Italian, a teenager with long hair, a beard, wore sunglasses & drove a Corvette. If you knew anything about life before you were born or say, Heaven forfend, read a book, you’d know that was a set of characteristics sure to get you special notice by authorities. Luckily, I never did get any harassment. Because I was lucky and behaved myself, and never got caught the few times I power shifted, burnt rubber and wore a hundred miles off my tires. The only time was when a guy on my softball team, a police sergeant, advised me to be careful of the company I kept. He was right too. And I did. However, if you don’t think I got a taste of prejudice back then, you are culturally bereft. Sure, I had the ability  and the option to “clean up my act,” a popular phrase of that era. Oddly, even when I did, I was still the same iconoclastic individual. My attitudes and foibles were internal. Have some groups had unfortunate extra attention? the sad answer is yes. As always, I ain’t here to do an exegesis of race relations. Just to point stuff out. Did I look like a small time drug dealer though? you betcha. Was I? Nope and that rhymes with—okay, but just that one time. And I was drunk. . ..

But including a dumbass black character in a movie is anathema? What! there no stupid blacks? how do you explain Martin Lawrence? You obviously don’t listen to WFAN. While possibly not the only choice for a movie character, if it’s an urban scene, what fits more for the point it makes? an African American with GQ cover looks and two doctorates? or some street thug. All y’all are just hater players. BTW why are you even at that movie? oh—Megan Fox! Sexist ahole huh. Or just hetero and enjoying yourself. I’d say lighten up, but I’m no racialist, you get the picture. Maybe. . ..

“Ha hah ha. Shoo, everybody knows they gotta lottsa juice in Florida. They come frommah Noo Yawk for the sunny shine!” Chico Marx

Manny Ramirez, eagerly ( LOL ) awaiting his return to Mannywood and the Dodger lineup, has caught some new attention himself. This because he is a stereotype—of a ballplayer caught using performance enhancing drugs. Apparently someone he’s been associated with has a father who is a doctor. A doctor can write prescriptions for said PED. Voila! This conduit from outside the US, up into Florida and servicing predominantly Latino jocks, is now under scrutiny. Again may I state: Boston, you are hypocrites & phonies. Have a nice day.

Wowie zowie! God didn’t waste anytime with the dead celebrity trifecta. Banging them out like ARod in batting practice. Only God can do it in the actual games too. Yeah sure Alex has had some good at bats the last few days—90 games to go hombre. Sorry, got off track there. So, Farrah Fawcett, Ed MacMahon, and Michael Jackson are at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter sees Farrah, looks at his big book and says—-” Angel! go right in.” Ed steps up. Peter says-” Heyo!—you have all ready won. Go on in.” Then he looks at Michael Jackson, looks at the book. Looks at Michael again, then back at the book,* he asks — ” Moonwalk, eh! you were an astronaut?” Michael squeaks, ” Uh yes. Yes I was. An astronaut.” St. Peter smiles, ” Welcome to Heaven.” St. Paul throws Peter a look.  Peter looks at paul and says – “Hey have you ever heard him sing She’s Out of My Life? The way his voice breaks at the end. That’s Heaven.”

*Take 2: St. Peter looks down at his book, looks at Michael Jackson. ” Oh dear, it’s Jackson. Whew–I thought they said Michael JORDAN. . ..”

Now if he can only keep his hands off the cherubs. Good night everybody! drive safely and don’t forget to tip your waitrons.

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Now Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Program…

May 23, 2009 Leave a comment

It is 12:55PM Saturday, on Memorial Day weekend! and both ESPN Radio & Fox Sports Radio are talking football. This is why I hate sports talk radio & why Bud Selig should be fired then executed. Bad bad bad job Bud. Those humps should be talking your sport—baseball. Wow, are you happy taking a back seat to that crap Bud, it’s MLB’s time of year for fuck’s sake. You should be locked in the trunk & a baseball bat should have been applied liberally by Joe Pesci.

Deplorable how those jock sniffers in the media ass kiss the NFL. They are a bunch of [deleted by the Women’s League for Blog Decency—sponsored by the NFL]

Bud Selig & his fellow stooges are Major League A-holes.

A Ronic?

March 5, 2009 Leave a comment

It may be awhile before any of the new smoke clears around Alex Rodriguez. Will he have surgery? or be muy macho, make that muy pendejo and play through it. Until he drops. Then we can have some real fun. The next month will tell the tail ( sic ). Sports people are so ignorant, it’s painful. They prefer to wait until there is real damage—meaning the guy can’t cut it on the field. Sheesh, do you think Madonna. . . oh, never mind.

AND if you have enough money to buy an expensive MLB licensed jersey with A Fraud on the back of it, you need to be made to also have A Hole on the front. It would be stupid any time, but during an economic recession, your credit card should be cut up and you need to see a shrink. That’s not freedom of speech, that’s being free dumb.

All sarcasm aside, this is a serious health issue and the last few weeks have been both figuratively and now literally degenerative, for Rodriguez, the increasingly devalued Golden Boy. The best part really, will be if the healing process will include doctor prescribed anabolic steroids.

NOTE: as of March 8, Mr. Rodriguez has opted for a two-stage hip operation. He has plans to play this season, following a period of rehab. Scheduled return on or about May 11.

Fantasy Islands

February 28, 2009 4 comments

Dateline: Moronia

The no talent referred to in the previous post has announced he’s buying an island. This is purportedly to celebrate his 40th birthday. And the fact that there are a lot of stupid people spending their money on his crap movies. I think he just wants a place where he can lounge around in a mumu and not have to bother about the man part of his wardrobe. He’s not that rich, saving is saving, once you have a whole island to support.

My sources have located his realtor*, here is his dream list of islands:

1. Fantasy Island

2. Treasure Island

3. Coney Island

4. Gilligan’s Island

5. Long Island

IMO he all ready lives on number 1.

There was a time Martin Lawrence was the premiere idiot among black entertainers. After all, directing traffic in your underwear & doing the most illiterate monologue ever on live TV ( Saturday Night Live ), pretty much locked him in for the 90s. But the planet sized ego, only matched by the inverse size of Tyler Perry’s talent, gives him the lead in the 21st century. Athletes don’t count, they have too unfair an advantage—nobody expects them to be smart. They are legion and so competitive, it’s difficult to choose one; that list changes on a daily basis. With entertainers ( sic ) one needs to evaluate a body of work. In this case, the body is a male, wrapped in mama’s clothing & Holly Woodlawn make up.

Let’s get one thing totally straight. I do envy people who can make money doing what they want to do in life. However, I can’t respect it when the method employed is such bullshit. Historically, when plays & acting were evolving, the rôles of women characters were portrayed by men. This is because along with not bathing, Europeans in the Middle Ages and on into the Elizabethan period, believed any woman who’d be in the show business was a whore. [ The Greeks who started staged performances, were another bowl of grapes. Too much for this post to handle.] Typically, they were correct, a girl’s got to eat and pay for frilly things too, ya’ll. Today, it’s somewhat the same, though it’s— if you are a man dressing as a woman for a payday, you are a whore. Hack. Whore. OK, a whore-hack. Never to be confused with a Horshack. That’s a whole other thing. Which is not a poorly constructed brothel in Deadwood. Though it could’ve been.

Oh sure, don’t be telling me the clown wrote the part( s ), so it’s his art. I grasp the process and the rationale. There’s a word for it though, let me think—oh yeah, greedy whore. There’s not one black actress alive who could play any of his lameass bitches better than he could? Oprah would’ve done it for free. OK maybe not free—but scale for sure. Too bad the woman who played Aunt Esther isn’t still with us. CCH Pounder could’ve knocked it out of the park, but she has too much integrity to do this kind of dreck. Isn’t he basing the mannerisms and traits on a real woman( or real women )? You know, maybe being so bitter ( albeit accurate ) I’ve been blind. Maybe his characters are drawn from ugly black transvestites! it would explain the broad, ham-handed strokes. Damn! I owe him an apology.

So, I’d like to solicit contributions. Send as much money as you can to Tyler Perry, so he can buy his island asap. Then we can vote him off this island and onto his own. I hear Alcatraz Island is lovely this time of year. Also affordable. Just don’t mention, it’s no longer an active penitentiary, so the male population is currently zero. All is fair in love and whore. And real estate.

_______________________________________________________________________

* speaking of pretentious—when did the second pronunciation of the word realtor become dominant? It’s a schwa sound you dorks. Now it sounds more like predator. Rhymes with whore now too. Excellent

Hackety Hack Do Talk Back. . ..

February 9, 2009 5 comments

These are the Top Ten phrases I personally loathe, most often employed by intellectually challenged writers & talk show hosts. Anyone heard using any of these should be thought less of immediately, strapped to a rocket & sent into deep space. Below each, is my witty comeback. Dorothy Parker just IM-ed from Heaven to say — she ain’t worried.

1. Excuse me?

OK you’re excused. In fact, you’re expelled. Forever.

2. Moving forward

Be my guest, and please do keep moving.

3. Wrap my mind/head around

Hold still, I’ll help, just let me get my Louisville Slugger.

4. of late

Miss Manners’ lawyer called. She’s suing you for speaking like a prig from a Henry James novel.

5. share with you

No thanks. I’m not into sharing. With you.

6. I’ll be honest with you

I’m pleased you admit it. Up until now, I had the feeling you were lying.

7. own it

Really— you looked like more of renter to me.

8. unlimited use

B U L L S H I T

9. here’s the weather for your ( fill in day of week )

I rather have that guy’s weather over there. He looks happy.

10. I got nothin’

Seriously, I got nothin’.  I ran out with number 9.

Off the Wailing Wall

January 31, 2009 Leave a comment

Being a nice guy & mincing words about this subject has gotten the human race and me nowhere slow. Those assholes in the Middle East have done only one thing in two thousand plus years since they all colluded to whack Yeshua Christos. What else did they do? by their extended family feud, based on who owns the sandbox and my God can kick your God’s ass, they prove on a daily basis, there is no God. Unless God is a sexually repressed, retarded 15 year old geek with an hormonal imbalance and e.d.*

Make no mistake, I am a self-loathing human. Though I outgrew my waiting for the Mothership to take me home phase in 1999. Still like that song though. And I have lots of fleecewear and recurring sinus probs from standing outside in the cold, waving a flashlight in the general direction of the Pleiades.

We, meaning us, should tell the Israelis to move to Mexico. Not only would they give that dump a morality make over, the subsequent inter-marriages—oh come on, when Pancho meets Yentl, would result in some great looking people; mucho muy mitzvahs. AND matzoh are really just stale tortilla. Art Modell could help them move. (This is also my Super Bowl Tribute-speaking of vapid, empty displays of humanity.)

As for Sheikh Yerbuti Martin Lawrence of Arabia, those learning disabled masses need to lose their myopic world view. The USA didn’t invent Caucasian chicks and Mercedes. Americans just believe in making money, anywhere they can. Blame your leaders for liking blonde cooze and hypocritically breaking Mohammed’s ‘ laws ‘ (Mohammed-which translates as Mama’s Boy—no truth to the rumor that fruitfly Tyler Perry is doing a biopic—there’s not enough drag op for him-her-it) every chance they get.

The lack of imagination in the Middle East is astounding. Look, I know it’s serious and no fun. Though somebody enjoys it or they wouldn’t keep doing it. AND just like the New York Yankees, if the USA Franchise goes under, all you haters will be happy for a day or two. Then you’ll realize all you’ve done for two millenia is blow shit up. At least America makes stuff too. Coca Cola doesn’t grow on trees, you need to invent it first.

Here’s an idea. If you Semitic types are more than just semi-sapiens, why not get sporty with it. Every year at Christmas—dig the irony-choose a champion from a dune and a deli. Then have a UFC in the Holy Land. Call it—ummm—The Armageddon Bowl. Think of the ticket sales. The ancillary souvenir and concession shekels! Yowzah ya’ll, big bucks. Getcha falafel right heah! Make some of them foam burnooses and yarmulke. Go shirtless— it won’t be the same as Green Bay in December, but hey-it’s the idiotic thought that counts.

Or how about I call the Mothership—and instead of us wimpy peaceniks leaving, why don’t you go out and fight the universe. Just do us a favor and rip all the labels out of your clothes and leave your ID behind. Tell them you’re God’s Chosen Warriors and see what happens. What? you need some weapons. Sure sure we can get it for you wholesale. Ever hear of the Enfield rifle? no? excellent. . ..

I can dream can’t I. Though if it really could come true, my first choice would be a weekend with Bridget Regan in say, Arruba. I am a misanthrope and visionary, but I have needs. Oddly, the only thing I don’t have wrong with me is e.d. Sigh, we are all in this same boat—the same leaky ship of state. You can either have Captain Ahab at the helm or Jimmy Buffet. And for God’s sake, change the name. Who thought Titanic Too was a good idea? His ass is so FIRED! Wow, is that Kate Winslet naked? again!

OMG! I almost forgot—what’s your Super Bowl prediction? Wanna bet on the coin toss?

* listen to WFAN AM NYC for 5 minutes, you’ll get it

WTF?

January 31, 2009 Leave a comment

Why is my new post, AFTER my last one? @#%&*!

I have since had to delete my swell Thanksgiving post because WP wouldn’t load the new one first! Or. . .

is it God? which God? Stay tuned. . ..

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