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Off the Wailing Wall

January 31, 2009 Leave a comment

Being a nice guy & mincing words about this subject has gotten the human race and me nowhere slow. Those assholes in the Middle East have done only one thing in two thousand plus years since they all colluded to whack Yeshua Christos. What else did they do? by their extended family feud, based on who owns the sandbox and my God can kick your God’s ass, they prove on a daily basis, there is no God. Unless God is a sexually repressed, retarded 15 year old geek with an hormonal imbalance and e.d.*

Make no mistake, I am a self-loathing human. Though I outgrew my waiting for the Mothership to take me home phase in 1999. Still like that song though. And I have lots of fleecewear and recurring sinus probs from standing outside in the cold, waving a flashlight in the general direction of the Pleiades.

We, meaning us, should tell the Israelis to move to Mexico. Not only would they give that dump a morality make over, the subsequent inter-marriages—oh come on, when Pancho meets Yentl, would result in some great looking people; mucho muy mitzvahs. AND matzoh are really just stale tortilla. Art Modell could help them move. (This is also my Super Bowl Tribute-speaking of vapid, empty displays of humanity.)

As for Sheikh Yerbuti Martin Lawrence of Arabia, those learning disabled masses need to lose their myopic world view. The USA didn’t invent Caucasian chicks and Mercedes. Americans just believe in making money, anywhere they can. Blame your leaders for liking blonde cooze and hypocritically breaking Mohammed’s ‘ laws ‘ (Mohammed-which translates as Mama’s Boy—no truth to the rumor that fruitfly Tyler Perry is doing a biopic—there’s not enough drag op for him-her-it) every chance they get.

The lack of imagination in the Middle East is astounding. Look, I know it’s serious and no fun. Though somebody enjoys it or they wouldn’t keep doing it. AND just like the New York Yankees, if the USA Franchise goes under, all you haters will be happy for a day or two. Then you’ll realize all you’ve done for two millenia is blow shit up. At least America makes stuff too. Coca Cola doesn’t grow on trees, you need to invent it first.

Here’s an idea. If you Semitic types are more than just semi-sapiens, why not get sporty with it. Every year at Christmas—dig the irony-choose a champion from a dune and a deli. Then have a UFC in the Holy Land. Call it—ummm—The Armageddon Bowl. Think of the ticket sales. The ancillary souvenir and concession shekels! Yowzah ya’ll, big bucks. Getcha falafel right heah! Make some of them foam burnooses and yarmulke. Go shirtless— it won’t be the same as Green Bay in December, but hey-it’s the idiotic thought that counts.

Or how about I call the Mothership—and instead of us wimpy peaceniks leaving, why don’t you go out and fight the universe. Just do us a favor and rip all the labels out of your clothes and leave your ID behind. Tell them you’re God’s Chosen Warriors and see what happens. What? you need some weapons. Sure sure we can get it for you wholesale. Ever hear of the Enfield rifle? no? excellent. . ..

I can dream can’t I. Though if it really could come true, my first choice would be a weekend with Bridget Regan in say, Arruba. I am a misanthrope and visionary, but I have needs. Oddly, the only thing I don’t have wrong with me is e.d. Sigh, we are all in this same boat—the same leaky ship of state. You can either have Captain Ahab at the helm or Jimmy Buffet. And for God’s sake, change the name. Who thought Titanic Too was a good idea? His ass is so FIRED! Wow, is that Kate Winslet naked? again!

OMG! I almost forgot—what’s your Super Bowl prediction? Wanna bet on the coin toss?

* listen to WFAN AM NYC for 5 minutes, you’ll get it

Just Joshing. . ..

May 21, 2008 1 comment

I’m wondering. Why is there only one Jewish guy on record named Jesus? sure it was Jesu in Latin. And Yeshua in Semitic. Does that mean it’s disguised here in the End Times as Joshua? Why do all the fat white phoney Christians in the world accept the Romanticizing of their Super Saver’s, er um Christian, name? They don’ t care for the Pope & Roman Catholics. Or Italians for that matter, except for pizza & the execrable mac & cheese they scarf down. As a person of Latin heritage, I’m offended. Now imagine all those swell hymns & Christian Rock songs with Josh replacing the word Jesus. The Brits have a great word that rhymes with Josh—tosh. Look it up later.

BTW for all people who think Hispanics exclusively own the rights to the Latin title, Wiki again. Italians are the original Latinos. And we have better moustaches, if you don’t count those schifosa on that funky db island dangling off the boot heel. So what’s the deal? All those vatos glossed Jesus, low riding through life, while no Josh’s get Heavenly discounts toward huaraches & sangria. Just kidding. They can get it wholesale.

Which reminds me, I don’t want to live in a world where Larry King has appeared in more movies than James Dean. Jesus! he has to have video of every macher in Hollywood with donkeys ( and I don’t mean Democrats—well, maybe I do )! He sucked on radio in 1978. He hasn’t improved. Though I once vowed to use Larry’s excuse for never reading a guest’s book: he wanted to come fresh to the material, just like the viewer. Ha ha ha. Priceless. Larry was too busy looking for comps on the crab cakes at Duke Ziebert’s. Or more likely, a new Mrs. King. Thank God he isn’t a Latin of any stripe. He does resemble a Preying Mantis, albeit he obviously doesn’t mate within his species, though we could only hope.

Now a word of avuncular advice to young performer Taylor Swift. Your people should all be jailed for allowing you to be seen in a pic with that reptilian Snoop Dung, much less in the same state. Are you a 3D blonde joke? wearing that hoody on that Country show was lame enough. Did 1988 just get around to the trailer park? She’s got talent to spare, but it’s migrating South faster than the Canadien geese, and leaving behind exactly what they do. Word to the urban styling crew: I had that hoody/puffy vest look in 1968. That, and I could rhyme better too.

Don’t get me wrong playas. You can have all the thuggy ho-pimpettes you like. Just keep your mutant bug orbs & feelers off the golden songbirds. Or I’ll order up some Starship Troopers to fry your insectoid asses. Denise Richards was an advance scout. So, if Larry King gets caught in the laser blast. . . oops.

PS Denise–call me. I’ll make you forget Charlie, Richie and Neve. Literally.