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Memorial Day

May 28, 2007 Leave a comment

is every day ∞

The Acme Bandwagon Company

Now ARod has cooled off from his amazing April at bats, the Acme Bandwagon Company has a special sale on. But they are still smiling because in the wake of the Imus fiasco, all the newly minted Hip Hop hypocrites & sanctimonious skunks ( not to be confused with jazz legend Thelonious Monk ) are all needing some to jump on. Yeah, boyee, after 2 decades of Urban Contemporary sexist songs & racist records, somebody thinks it’s time to bust a cap in rap lyrics.

Hey! don’t be censoring rap & hip/hop. Art serves as a release for people. Sure, you can label it for what it is. Hold discussions. Not buy it? There’s a concept—hear or see something you don’t like, turn it off. But if you don’t like a book you bought, by all means burn it or better, recycle it. Don’t be inviting your mindless, sycophantic followers to a huge bonfire. Even if you are having s’mores. Hitler was big on book burning; most narrowminded people are. Telling people what to think is a human trait. Compelling them at the threat of torture & eventual execution is being a monster.

I’m not a fan of the Urban Contemporary genre, the music is not melodic & I like melody. Much of the music is sampled, if not ripped off of much better songwriters. AND many of the themes don’t relate to me. I don’t like overtly sexual lyrics that are overly simple minded either. BUT there is no other genre that can surpass Urban for writers who nail the experience with topically pointed & descriptive skills. They are gifted poets. No debate. The cognoscenti belittle the Country chart but it truly has some great writers. If you don’t think so, it’s because you’re not listening.

The Dixie Chicks for example, who some people only know because of their run in with self righteous morons, are terrically talented musicians. They earned their success & they have hotfooted away from Country due to censorship by boycott. Anybody who differs with that band’s politics does not have to buy their product. But media people were banning their work & again, while it’s their perogative, it’s misguided. Or guided by money, the slicker picker upper. It smacks of, well, anti- free speech, political bias. Which is what this is all about. It always was and it always will be; I studied my capitalists catechism.

But the reason I don’t like Snoop Dogg ( black? ) is because he can’t sing & he is a hypocrite. I don’t like Kid Rock ( white?), because he’s a limited talent as a musician & apparently as a suitable companion ( twice ) for Pamela Anderson. But they are good at delivering their audience a show. It is, after all, the show business in which they are gainfully employed. AS much as I think those dollars could be better spent, shuffled into the accounts of more deserving artists—that’s my problem. Giving people a positive outlet for their frustrations, is usually good. AS long as it doesn’t involve violence or human sacrifice. Or censorship.

So life in the backlash the rumblings & mumblings about a closer examination of rap & hip hop will be heard until they fade into the distance like the overmodulated bass from some higger’s* Dodge Ram. If I could get paid for use of the words bitch, hos, nigger, fuck, shit etc. from all those CDs, I’d be on a island typing this. With a fine looking beeyatch rolling me some tasty tacos. And some strawberry banana smoothies in the blender. Yeah, I said smoothies…….what of it? Ho

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* use your imagination

Number 1 on Your Hitler Parade

March 30, 2007 Leave a comment

ESPN caught my ear again. The coach of the NY Giants football team, Tom Coughlin, made the mistake of comparing fan opinion of him to Adolf Hitler. This of course, in the current climate, is talk show gold, even on intellectually challenged sports networks.

So, there were Dan Patrick & Keith Olberman, pontificating and pondering the lack of wisdom Coughlin had displayed in using that particular comparison. A comparison which provokes ire amongst even those who have no idea who this Hitler guy is ( was ). They smoothly segued into the actual topic of the segment, the 2007 Major Leage Baseball season, which is why I was tuned in.

Less than a long breath after Hitler chat, Hall of Fame baseball writer, Peter Gammons, was intro-ed by Patrick as the man who once referred to the owner of the New York Yankees as Mao Tse Steinbrenner. Hmmmmmmm. So, let’s see, it’s bad to reference Hitler when one feels hated, after all he was a sociopath. But it’s OK to gloss a German American with a comparison to Mao Tse Tung. I’m guessing this is because Mao for the most part, mostly killed Chinese and/or imprisoned them for having their own thoughts about life.*

The lack of cognition by the majority of humans no longer surprises me. Hey! I’m highly cognitive and I mispeak. I’ve also done it on the radio. We won’t go into that, not because I’m afraid of exposing my own on mic stupidnesses ( please see Recent Posts > ), but because it’s 1) old news 2) I was accurate & 3) Vince & Amy are married now anyhow. BTW Vince’s recent CD is brilliant.

Olberman, who helms a real news program & has a one man vendetta against another newsie, the well known gasbag Bill O’Reilly ( I think it’s an alphabetizing issue ), and is what passes for an intellectual on ESPN. Dan Patrick is , well, Dan Patrick. It’s like pairing Albert Einstein with, well yes, Dan Patrick. Keith phones in for an hour a day, says smart stuff, while Dan, in typical jock sniffer fashion, goofs on him. Then praises him. Then goofs on him some more. This perpetuates the old sports tradition of equating having read a book as earning you the nickname ‘ perfesser.’ If they find out that book has no pictures? they call you a word I can’t use here, because then even I will attract comments!

Back to dictators of the past. Look, everybody is sensitive. We all have hot buttons. Blah blah blah. Words do have power. Not mine, but you know, guys who are NFL coaches. AND guys who ( still ) have radio shows. Still, as a public service, I will provide a few more acceptable comparisons for coaches under fire ( it’s too late for Coughlin & Michael Ray Richardson, I ain’t touching him with a 20 foot Christian Pole!)

If you are a football coach:

‘ fans treat me like OJ Simpson ‘

For a baseball guy:*

‘ fans act as if I’m Barry Bonds ‘* ( Barry should use Jose Canseco unless speaking of himself in the 3rd person )

For basketball:

‘ hey! it’s not like I’m Bobby Knight, ‘

Hockey:

‘ Eh — don’t make me out to be [ insert name of goon du jour here ]’

For those still adamant about using a megalomaniacal mass murdering ruler to match their own unpopularity with: Idi Amin Dada is very in right now. Sorry, Forrest.

*editor’s note: no truth to the rumor Mia Farrow & I are dating. We are just good friends, of people who don’t know each other.

Rock the Juke Box

March 23, 2007 Leave a comment

Not too long ago, based on experience & insight fueled by deep thought, I realized I was a jerk. Not an asshole, a jerk & I demand the distinction. Having said that, I want to know why so many assholes get droit de seigneur, while jerks are relegated to, well, jerking. Admittedly, it is tough to get an obvious asshole to admit they are one, let alone allowing equal rights to a jerk.

I am however, an enlightened jerk, having been exposed to ( as opposed to exposing myself to. . . ) many spiritual paths. Many of these paths were traveled in the dark, which is the way to go. See, if one is looking for enlightenment, too much light at the start can only leave you blinded, causing the seeker to miss as many good parts as if they’d remained in darkness. As the great, late 20th Century philospher Bruce Springsteen wrote: ‘ blinded by the light, cut loose like a deuce, another runner in the night. . ..’

Many a dissertation has risen & fallen on that line. Mainly because the Manfred Mann hit version of the song made ‘ deuce ‘ sound as if the word was ‘ douche. ‘ Frankly, I knew it was deuce, and I wasn’t sure if he was talking carburetors or wild cards. I do know I attended a memorial gathering for a friend who was on the flight which exploded over Lockerbie, Scotland in the late 80’s.

It was a sad occasion, though the guy who died was a globe trotter, who once lived in a cave on one of the Hawaiian Islands & was also on the Price is Right as a contestant. He could also burp at will, really loud. We would miss him. Some asshole took this opportunity to marvel in front of a group of people, how much he was amazed I hadn’t killed myself yet. He then proceeded to critique my sweater, telling me it was a knockoff & he had an original. Up to that point I’d been having a fine talk with a really attractive woman, hoping for some shared sadness sex. I eventually figured that was being too much of a jerk at such an event, so I decided to mingle. Wow, talk about instant karma!

Had I been a tougher, albeit creepier guy, I might’ve invited the asshole to a private, more personal mourning session outside. I apologize for not recalling my witty comeback to his style statement, I only know he threatened me & a real friend, stepped in & got me away before I got clocked at a memorial for wearing a copy of an LL Bean item. Oh yeah, and still being alive.

You might guess correctly, I didn’t get the girl. Then, the first chance I got, I donated the sweater to Goodwill, with a note attached— DON’T WEAR TO MEMORIALS! I waited until it was dark & I went for a walk, wrapped up like a douche. It was during that journey I discovered what deuce meant & why I am a jerk NOT an asshole. All those dropping a deuce to honor that asshole will enter the gates of Paradise. Be sure to check off on the membership card before you go in, your preference for female or male virgins. A lot of people forget to do it.

Hey! I’m a helpful jerk.

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