Archive

Archive for the ‘Indians’ Category

Thanks, but no thanks

November 22, 2007 Leave a comment

It’s good to change things up. So, in honor of Thanksgiving, the second major US holiday in a 10 day period this year! I will do just that. Time to pick on another medium. Magazines.

There are so many awful mags to choose from and though they are often difficult to differentiate, I have one in my sights. Before I do, I’d just like to report, albeit maybe 7 years after the fact, on magazine covers. You can walk into almost any library in America now and see displayed on its shelves, lots o’ skin. The kind of pics, when I was a kid, your dad had hidden in the garage underneath Popular Mechanics. To be fair, and probably due to all that hard work of Gloria Steinem & her feminists in the 70’s, now it’s both female and male skin.

One of the pioneer men’s mags still extant, is ESQUIRE. They had scantily clad ( a dated, yet apt phrase, if I ever saw one ) women & illustrations by a guy named Vargas. Appreciating his work was a rite of passage for boys in that era. This was pre-Playboy. Can you imagine! if not the Dark Ages, it certainly was not so nakedly out in the light. Make that the spotlight. It’s that selfsame ESQUIRE I am about to rip a new one.

Now, in the 21st century, ESQUIRE is a compendium for all that is wrong with humans. They are a publication aimed at upscale men, or wannabes, in the 21-49 demographic. Features are always about how to dress, dine, drink, drive, drives ( sex ) and yes, even die. ESQUIRE never met a word beginning with the letter D it couldn’t publish 2000 words on it’s slick, pretentious pages.

ESQUIRE magazine at it’s inception was for men who are heterosexual. It ostensibly still is, unlike contemporary GENTLEMAN’s QUARTERLY ( GQ ), which is umm, metrosexual. . .. While being told black wingtips is the go to shoe for the serious grown up man on a monthly basis, is Hitler-like enough to make me bristle, the ads are truly something special. Somebody please explain to me what demo guy considers this a desirable kind of scenario? Five men, one woman? This is a family kinda blog, so I won’t use the word that scene brings to mind. It’s routine for ads in ESQUIRE and GQ though. In the name of full disclosure, I’m forced to admit, if the bashes I went to as a young dude are any measure, that disturbing ratio is about right! Maybe I’m just having difficulty accepting reality. Again.

What I really want to address ( undress? dress? redress? ) are the full page ads, sometimes a 2 pager, with no women to get in the way of good old homoeroticism. They often depict a naked or scantily clad male, surrounded by a male model mix of adoring and diffident chums. Oh boy! ( pardon the expression ) now there’s a party. Why wasn’t I invited? OK, I’m not good looking enough. But still! In the minds of twisted advertising people, they calculate a woman friend will open ESQUIRE and imagine her male companion in this setting, immediately run to Barney’s in Manhattan and do a Pretty Woman level shopping spree/music video montage for him. Deep in their fashion slave hearts, all the hot chicks wanna be Richard Gere ( the pre-white hair version, natch ).

If you got this far ( cough ), you’re likely puzzled. Why does this guy even know this stuff? Research, and I just like magazines. Also, I got it at the library; I sure wouldn’t pay for it. Hey, I really wanted to write how there are probably more than a few people out there who think the Pilgrims were racists because no black people were invited to the first Thanksgiving. No fear, things changed over the next 300 years. Slavers apparently being the 1660’s analog to the bussing of the 1960’s. Now we are all here and we all have so much to be thankful for annually, on the third Thursday of November. Me? I’m thankful I don’t own , or ever will own, a pair of black or any other color wingtips. That’s just shoe-ist not racist.

So much more to say, so much antipathy for typing & filing via dialup. Yet, I am compelled to add, is there anything more heartwarming than hearing barely articulate morons call in sports talk radio on Thanksgiving and share their golden memories of boxing? I am thankful for the off switch. I bet all of them were wearing boxer shorts & black wingtips too. . ..

Money for NOTHING or I’m the Jinx of Url

October 9, 2007 Leave a comment

Calling all the baseball experts—pro or otherwise—pretty please, explain again how payroll means a damn thing. Teams win or lose on the field when & if players perform. Money is bullshit without 1 more run than the other guy when the game ends. I demand the New York Yankees open their books; seems the last 5 plus years somebody is not making those critical buy the World Series payments!

The season is too long. Major League Baseball needs to adopt a tier system. European football uses it, depending on the previous season W/L record, teams are promoted/demoted. The ‘ lower ‘ league/tier teams would also have their own playoff series and the ultimate winner rises to the higher level the next year. This eliminates that red herring payroll excuse.

Actually, I had rooting interests in 2 other teams, also now out of the picture. Hmmmm yeah I might be the Jinx of Url! I won’t name names, no sense in publicly prolonging anyone else’s annual agony. However, I will take credit if the Hypocred Sox* win another game. Because I will assume the historical Bostonian position and root for any team that ain’t them.

Now to the winning Cleveland MLB baseball club: it is 2007. Change your fucking shameful name & lose the damn cartoon face of your haybilly franchise. No wonder the USA is dissed around the world. WE are imperialistic idiots and way proud of it too. Fitting, how this happened on Columbus Day! If you can’t connect those dots, forget about it. BTW Cleveland Red Herrings sounds good to me. . ..

———————————————————–

Sigh…..after the Sixties I became a Zen Catholic. I hated no one with compassion for all. Then, a few so called friends betrayed me and I was sorely tested. Having been an under the radar draft dodger, I can’t say I soldiered on. I did my best mainly because my loathing for involuntary communal male cohabitation, i.e. the penal system, superseded my need for vengeance. Though revenge being a dish best served cold, I could still be in the playoffs. Probably not.

Now it seems I’ve reverted to my youth. The cumulative effect of failure in career & romance has worn me out. The events of 2004 exploded what was left of my resilience, because I began to hate name callers & boneheads ( read: all things Boston ). This was as the result of my personal 3 Strike Rule. Red Sox ownership alluding to the NYY as the Evil Empire, quickly adopted by their fan-base was strike one. Next the sucker punch of Alex Rodriguez by the trog Varitek, in full catcher body armor was next. Strike three was the death of a young woman during the Boston celebration for winning a playoff series! it wasn’t even the World Series for God’s sake. That and the repeated practice of Boston pitchers throwing at and often hitting Derek Jeter, finally tore it.

This was all before the Great Depression of October ’04. That was the coup d’ etat de tutti capo. I no longer respected the suffering of the Boston fans. I’ll leave it there. As I’ve all ready sunk to their level, no need to give them another chance to rise above NY, albeit a former New Yorker.

So. . . what happens next? I ain’t watching anymore baseball this year. I can’t wait for 08 though. I’m sure the Yankees will fire their old accountant and get a big time free agent CPA, maybe 2! who will double up on those WS payments tout de suite.

*©2006 JukeofUrl Productions