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A Hole. . ..

October 24, 2007 Leave a comment

National Public Radio is not something I turn to much. I listen to a comedy news-quiz show Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me, and that is it. Also the local affiliate chose not to hire me, more than once, so, who needs them.

However, I just bought a new radio, so while tuning in the 3 stations available in this hick burg, I heard an NPR news piece. A deputy mayor in a Texas town is attempting to eliminate the fashion blithely named saggin‘. If you don’t know what it is, believe me, unless you’re sightless, you’ve probably ( & unfortunately ), seen it. It’s a ludicrous affect, of wearing pants, by predominately young males, really, really, stupidly low. If you’re old enough to remember Dan Ackroyd’s SNL plumber’s crack bit, you got it.

Almost 40 years ago a trend started among teen African-American males. They took the look of what was obviously the result of hand me down clothes from big brothers being too large, and made it a fashion. This evolved into leaving a belt unbuckled & open, dangling phallically. Suggesting naturally, homey was open for business. Then the underwear above the rim look followed. Now, underwear is for L7’s & the real playa, is showing butt. Next stop: Junkville.

This saggin’ statement began in prison. Use your imagination. It is about as much a style as wearing your hat sideways. It’s rebellion, the last resort of the surly & the unimaginative. It is most certainly not a right stipulated in the US Constitution. Yet, somehow, and pardon the pun, it is covered. I must be stoopit, because I thought there were laws against public lewd behavior and indecent exposure.

I suppose we should give them civic awards for mainstreaming homoerotic displays and aiding in desensitizing us for what surely awaits. When a bogus fashion trumps decency and a real sense of self, the world is a sadder place.They might be showing us they don’t care what we think. I think they are showing us what they are. Literally.

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For those keeping score: the vampire movie was number 1 last weekend, dropping that dreck to second place. Halle’s flick? did not do well.

Imus Be Crazy: Part T

October 17, 2007 Leave a comment

Imus will reportedly return to radio Dec. 3, on WABC-AM NYC. OK. Good. Can’t wait to hear what happens. He & Capitol Hillary will be going at it as soon as that studio light goes on air.

Now: the number one movie at the box office is: WHY DID I GET MARRIED. The number one question is WHY IS IT NUMBER 1? I demand everyone who paid to see it be fired. It’s based on a stage-play by Tyler Perry and features a virtually all black cast. The first fact is always troublesome. The latter is a head scratcher. . .. If a non-African American made that hiring ‘ choice, ‘ they’d be Imus-cized by Sharpton & Jesse. I think that is racism. I also think 99% of stage-plays don’t translate to big screen well. Too er, um stagey.

I’m not foolish enough to suggest producers can’t chose who they work with on a project. I support it as the best possible way to do anything. For example; Ms. Clinton won’t be employing Don Imus to do her PR in 2008. It’s a comfort level thing ya’ll. She should work something out with Mr. Obama though.

The separate but equal syndrome of American Society is pure bullshit. I was once competing for a radio job against 60 people. It was finally down to three candidates. The woman had emergency surgery, the other guy was too fruity, so I got the gig. If any African-American had jogged by that day, they’d have been hired. Mainly because the Nazi loving, Midwest moron who was General Manager hated me. I won’t say why. Though, my possession of an independent mind, didn’t help.

All us Rainbow chillunz can have our ars gratia artis in the USA. Especially if it comes up $$$. There is an overnight sports talk host on the same station Imus once worked BNH ( Before Nappy-headed Hos ). He’s black & for his bumper music he almost always uses music by blacks. It’s the stuff he likes to hear. It’s great material too. Yet, imagine if Imus had only played ‘ white ‘ musicians—which he absolutely did not. Or anybody.

A really good actor, Terrence Howard, who broke through with the movie Hustle & Flow, which was just as much about making it in the music business as pimping hos. When the song It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp, won the Oscar, he was asked if he planned to make a rap record. Howard smiled and essentially said he was an actor and his personal taste was more James Taylor. Not only is he a good actor, he’s brave! For the record: I liked both the song AND the movie. Nothing is ever true to life, if you’re the one living it. But that flick gave the uninitiated a taste. BTW I was never in the life, but I ain’t uninitiated.

Imus be back, soon. Bad Black flick number one. That’s living in America, if I may quote the late James Brown, King of Soul & well known nutcase. This coming week Why Did I Get Married will compete for the top spot with a new Halle Berry melodrama & a vampires in Alaska movie: 30 Days of Night. Hey, WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT!!!

Go Halle—Go Halle……

* Happy Birthday Sharon, wherever you are

‘ Uneasy lies the head who wears a clown ‘

October 12, 2007 2 comments

I just watched a movie: 1408. I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but I’m not only $ challenged due to my flex work ethic, but I’m also cheap. This might explain why I got the flick free from the library. When I reserved it, I was thinking John Cusack movie and totally forgot 1408 was based on a Stephen King story.

My guess is King, whose work is best characterized using a word that fits his genre, that word being hack, titled this based on the amount of books he writes every year. I think, he should’ve stopped at 1407 or better yet, 7. King barfs out the same cliches & smears them all over whatever surface is handy, and usually chucks in a clown. Luckily for him, those English speakers who actually still read, like paying for that warm and fuggy feeling his one note talent provides.

I think Stephen King is simply awful. BTW Stevie, what amazing source of strength kept a clown out of this one? I bet that would be a great story. Again, I’m willing to admit I’m envious. But would I really want to be an author who makes a lot of money writing the same crap over and over, literally, a literary ad nauseum?

Oh fickle Fate! I have not been tested in such a way, as I have with the so called misbegotten friendships I allude to often. In fact, of my 3 good remaining friends, two read this blog with some frequency. Their links appear to the right>>> I tend to not refer to them too specifically, mainly because I like them. I like John Cusack too. After a bit of a break in his work, Cusack has a few big movies coming out soon. I wish him the best, because there is also some overdue Oscar buzz for him: break a leg dude.

As for King ( probably a Red Sawx fan too ), please stop writing. Maybe clown school?

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I just saw the weekly Top 10 rated TV Shows based on viewers. Ha ha ha ha ha ha [ hear DeNiro in Cape Fear ] — Crime & medical shows. Medical crime shows. Football. AND Dancing with the Stars? TWICE! Americans are truly dumbasses. Holey Moley! The TV Top 10 for the Internet Movie Database members is much different, indicating a much more eclectic & discriminating taste. Me? oh sure I am a member.

I also have a TV show idea. A coroner, into ballroom dancing, who moonlights as a party clown. His clown name? Sammy Sew Sew. The show? Cut Up Cop! WOW! it’s all ready number 9!!!!! It’s his sidekick though, will get the numbers. A black ex-NFL player who is a pre-op transexual dance instructor & martial arts expert. Genius, huh? Hack that, Stephen King. . ..

PS  Big Yapi shut your trappy—no NYY fan needs to hear your broken English opinion 

Money for NOTHING or I’m the Jinx of Url

October 9, 2007 Leave a comment

Calling all the baseball experts—pro or otherwise—pretty please, explain again how payroll means a damn thing. Teams win or lose on the field when & if players perform. Money is bullshit without 1 more run than the other guy when the game ends. I demand the New York Yankees open their books; seems the last 5 plus years somebody is not making those critical buy the World Series payments!

The season is too long. Major League Baseball needs to adopt a tier system. European football uses it, depending on the previous season W/L record, teams are promoted/demoted. The ‘ lower ‘ league/tier teams would also have their own playoff series and the ultimate winner rises to the higher level the next year. This eliminates that red herring payroll excuse.

Actually, I had rooting interests in 2 other teams, also now out of the picture. Hmmmm yeah I might be the Jinx of Url! I won’t name names, no sense in publicly prolonging anyone else’s annual agony. However, I will take credit if the Hypocred Sox* win another game. Because I will assume the historical Bostonian position and root for any team that ain’t them.

Now to the winning Cleveland MLB baseball club: it is 2007. Change your fucking shameful name & lose the damn cartoon face of your haybilly franchise. No wonder the USA is dissed around the world. WE are imperialistic idiots and way proud of it too. Fitting, how this happened on Columbus Day! If you can’t connect those dots, forget about it. BTW Cleveland Red Herrings sounds good to me. . ..

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Sigh…..after the Sixties I became a Zen Catholic. I hated no one with compassion for all. Then, a few so called friends betrayed me and I was sorely tested. Having been an under the radar draft dodger, I can’t say I soldiered on. I did my best mainly because my loathing for involuntary communal male cohabitation, i.e. the penal system, superseded my need for vengeance. Though revenge being a dish best served cold, I could still be in the playoffs. Probably not.

Now it seems I’ve reverted to my youth. The cumulative effect of failure in career & romance has worn me out. The events of 2004 exploded what was left of my resilience, because I began to hate name callers & boneheads ( read: all things Boston ). This was as the result of my personal 3 Strike Rule. Red Sox ownership alluding to the NYY as the Evil Empire, quickly adopted by their fan-base was strike one. Next the sucker punch of Alex Rodriguez by the trog Varitek, in full catcher body armor was next. Strike three was the death of a young woman during the Boston celebration for winning a playoff series! it wasn’t even the World Series for God’s sake. That and the repeated practice of Boston pitchers throwing at and often hitting Derek Jeter, finally tore it.

This was all before the Great Depression of October ’04. That was the coup d’ etat de tutti capo. I no longer respected the suffering of the Boston fans. I’ll leave it there. As I’ve all ready sunk to their level, no need to give them another chance to rise above NY, albeit a former New Yorker.

So. . . what happens next? I ain’t watching anymore baseball this year. I can’t wait for 08 though. I’m sure the Yankees will fire their old accountant and get a big time free agent CPA, maybe 2! who will double up on those WS payments tout de suite.

*©2006 JukeofUrl Productions

Skins Games

September 24, 2007 1 comment

Wow! it’s football season. Every fat white, beer drenched ahole who ever passed out on his high school football field ( after the game ) is having an orgasm. This is because, whether they ever did a full uni windsprint, they imagine they could’ve played in the NFL.

Major sports should be judged by what their alums do. Recent NFL examples would be Michael Vick and what’s that name again, oh yeah, O.J. Simpson. Give Simpson his props, he has evolved in 10 years. This time instead of a hunting knife, he was packing a handgun for the big game. Sure, baseball has the unfortunate steroid posterboys like Jose Canseco & Mark McGwire. But what gets lost constantly and conveniently is, the NFL pioneered ‘roid abuse.

Football is a terrific sport. BUT it has been co-opted by big time college programs, which, in the guise of revenue for other collegiate pursuits,( such as actual fields of study) ram illiterate thugs through their doors, who major in the study of fields made of turf. Then somehow ‘ graduate ‘ to bling, strip clubs & professional thuggery. All for the love of the game, no doubt.

It burns me that all the national & local sports programming shove baseball into the trunk, with their girlie mag collections and kiss football ass. An obvious psychological transference from the unattainable hottie du jour; Jessica Alba will do. Even I’m not immune to her. BTW all you jock sniffing db, I saw her before you did in the TV Flipper remake, while you were all placing bets on some random college football game. WE all know where your hearts & mouths really are.

So here we are, six months of meathead hosts drooling and asking ‘ coach, ‘ how they’ll defense the pass attack of some Division lll school. Searingly cerebral radio. The lack of vocabulary skills only surpassed by the amount of sucking up. AND all that airtime devoted to picks every week. Now that’s entertainment.

Well, if football can return every year, I can trot this one out again. Is there anything more shameful and telling, that says more about the United States, than the NFL franchise in our nation’s capitol, here in the 21st Century, is called the REDSKINS! A slur, once the equivalent of the word nigger in the argot Americana. Any who are offended by that historical fact, instead of checking the NFL injury reserved list to facilitate your betting, you could look it up.

As for my own personal integrity, I lament Jessie’s choice of projects. No Good Luck Chuck for me. I’ve got Dark Angel Season 1 waiting in my Netflix queue.

The Ebonic Woman

August 22, 2007 Leave a comment

In the upcoming August 27th issue of the TV Guide, a columnist asks a good question. The words used to ask the question are vomit inducing. The topic is the new Bionic Woman. The question is, why not a black woman in the role. The barf factor is the word (?) sistergirlfriend. What? is this the German version of TV Guide! AND shouldn’t that be spelled ‘ sistah…?’

I agree. I think the Bionic Woman should be an Afri-asian-hispanic Lesbian dwarf with a speech impediment. But give me a break with the perverting of language to make the point. Sports talk guys are handling that job quite nicely, we don’t need other media types piling on that heap of ignorance.

This ought to create a stir among the superficial & self deceptive, but people are mostly attracted to people who look like them. Next comes bank account or ability to bring home the bacon & keep the troglodyte the next cave down from dropping in and taking it away. Along with the Mrs.

Due to my oft mentioned laziness, I am not doing any research, so I’ll just say, last time I looked, Caucasians are still the majority in the USA. Television people have noticed this, as have their advertisers, and they are guided by it. While we’d all love to see Whoopi Goldberg play Marilyn Monroe in a new bio-pic: If Marilyn had Lived. . .. OK bad example. That might be huge.[ ©2007 Jukeofurl ] Imagine the conspiracy theories on that one!

I’m attracted to Rashida Jones & she doesn’t look a bit like me. But she can bring home the Chateaubriand anytime. I know that’s hedging because her mom is Peggy Lipton. The thought of her dad Quincy Jones reviving my music career, doesn’t enter into it. Rashida is good looking. If her dad wants to help me, bonus round. Apologies to Condoleeza Rice, I like overbites but I’m not into Republicans.

Maybe I’m no judge of talent: I thought Hallie Berry was fine in Catwoman. The screenplay was crap. But she still looked like Hallie Berry. Where is the problem? Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Once one gets to broader racial features which haven’t been blended through miscegenation, though, I’m not so physically attracted. It’s biological and believe me, the feeling is mutual. No sistergirlfriend wants to be my mrs.girlfriend. It’s called survival instinct. You could look it up. No conforming to stereotype please.

I might not be doing this blog for awhile. I’ll be working on a screenplay. I guarantee you though, if I have anything to say about the casting, Paula Patton is my Marilyn Monroe. She’s better looking than the original too, JFK would’ve loved her. . ..

Number 1 on Your Hitler Parade

March 30, 2007 Leave a comment

ESPN caught my ear again. The coach of the NY Giants football team, Tom Coughlin, made the mistake of comparing fan opinion of him to Adolf Hitler. This of course, in the current climate, is talk show gold, even on intellectually challenged sports networks.

So, there were Dan Patrick & Keith Olberman, pontificating and pondering the lack of wisdom Coughlin had displayed in using that particular comparison. A comparison which provokes ire amongst even those who have no idea who this Hitler guy is ( was ). They smoothly segued into the actual topic of the segment, the 2007 Major Leage Baseball season, which is why I was tuned in.

Less than a long breath after Hitler chat, Hall of Fame baseball writer, Peter Gammons, was intro-ed by Patrick as the man who once referred to the owner of the New York Yankees as Mao Tse Steinbrenner. Hmmmmmmm. So, let’s see, it’s bad to reference Hitler when one feels hated, after all he was a sociopath. But it’s OK to gloss a German American with a comparison to Mao Tse Tung. I’m guessing this is because Mao for the most part, mostly killed Chinese and/or imprisoned them for having their own thoughts about life.*

The lack of cognition by the majority of humans no longer surprises me. Hey! I’m highly cognitive and I mispeak. I’ve also done it on the radio. We won’t go into that, not because I’m afraid of exposing my own on mic stupidnesses ( please see Recent Posts > ), but because it’s 1) old news 2) I was accurate & 3) Vince & Amy are married now anyhow. BTW Vince’s recent CD is brilliant.

Olberman, who helms a real news program & has a one man vendetta against another newsie, the well known gasbag Bill O’Reilly ( I think it’s an alphabetizing issue ), and is what passes for an intellectual on ESPN. Dan Patrick is , well, Dan Patrick. It’s like pairing Albert Einstein with, well yes, Dan Patrick. Keith phones in for an hour a day, says smart stuff, while Dan, in typical jock sniffer fashion, goofs on him. Then praises him. Then goofs on him some more. This perpetuates the old sports tradition of equating having read a book as earning you the nickname ‘ perfesser.’ If they find out that book has no pictures? they call you a word I can’t use here, because then even I will attract comments!

Back to dictators of the past. Look, everybody is sensitive. We all have hot buttons. Blah blah blah. Words do have power. Not mine, but you know, guys who are NFL coaches. AND guys who ( still ) have radio shows. Still, as a public service, I will provide a few more acceptable comparisons for coaches under fire ( it’s too late for Coughlin & Michael Ray Richardson, I ain’t touching him with a 20 foot Christian Pole!)

If you are a football coach:

‘ fans treat me like OJ Simpson ‘

For a baseball guy:*

‘ fans act as if I’m Barry Bonds ‘* ( Barry should use Jose Canseco unless speaking of himself in the 3rd person )

For basketball:

‘ hey! it’s not like I’m Bobby Knight, ‘

Hockey:

‘ Eh — don’t make me out to be [ insert name of goon du jour here ]’

For those still adamant about using a megalomaniacal mass murdering ruler to match their own unpopularity with: Idi Amin Dada is very in right now. Sorry, Forrest.

*editor’s note: no truth to the rumor Mia Farrow & I are dating. We are just good friends, of people who don’t know each other.

Mouth-odd Acting

March 27, 2007 Leave a comment

I’ve previously mentioned I’ve been criticized. I’ve always been the kind of person who attracts it. When I was a kid, it would happen a lot. Today, I’d like to talk about it some more. . ..

I was 11 and pitching in a Little League game. After one inning, some other kid comes up to me and says: ‘ you stick your tongue out when you pitch.’ Being 11, I immediately became self conscious. I attribute my lack of a Major League baseball career, directly to that moment. This other young feller joined a large group of people whose life was spared because I was a devout pacifist. Also a bit spindly, I admit it.

A few years later, my mouth full of orthodontic appliance, a pal hanging out with me in the school lunchroom, feels free to point out: ‘ you cover your mouth when you laugh.’ I couldn’t win.

Many decades from those treasured memories, I noticed an increasingly creepy trend of young actors using their lips & tongues to emote. I don’t know who started this technique—Stanislipski? Wouldn’t matter, it’s just bad and that’s that. What directors think that works on screen? Is the tongue a phallic symbol when thus employed, especially when done in the company of a hot chick? What do those compressed lips mean? those lolling tongues? AND why? Men–please knock it the fuck off. Women, your comments invited. Thank you.

While I’m at it: those tight frame close ups on TV are so beyond stupid. Do you enjoy that kind of shot? I don’t. Of course, the dialogue in most TV shows is so incredibly insipid, they are probably hoping to distract viewers. ‘ Look Gertie! a giant head! get me a beer.’ AND if one more hack uses the phrase — ‘ Excuse me! ‘ as a reaction line when one character is affronted by another’s question as in ” hey, Morty, WTF are you doing with your tongue?”— I will hunt them down and excuse them with extreme prejudice.

In a related story: does Oprah Winfrey ever take a pic without her mouth wide Open ? You’ll start noticing as of now. The answer will be, hardly ever.

Yes, I am bitter. Obviously, I was ahead of my time, I could’ve been a star. A huge headed, tongue waggling star! #%*@!

Movin’ on Down or How I Learned to Embrace My ESPNnesses

March 25, 2007 1 comment

As a listener to late night radio, I’m familiar with UFO sightings, ghosts and the always popular Bigfoot. So when I see ESPN, first thing I think is: Hey! a whole network devoted to the paranormal. I found the local ESPN station and tuned in, settling back with some coffee for some good old X Files style talk.

After a few segments in which some guys who seemed to be older than college age, drooled all over some other old guy they gushingly called coach, I realized, much to my chagrin, this was NOT the Extra Sensory Perception Network! It was apparently a whole programming day, 7 days a week, dedicated to worshipping athletes and anybody ( part ) attached to them.

I might have skipped the part where the station I was listening to, used to be a place I was previously employed. But my bitterness has almost nothing to do with ESPN per se. It does have quite a bit to do with the kind of personality currently working in sports radio. Let it please the court to note here: I no longer have the energy to take on the rest of talk radio. Sports radio might be an easy target, but it’s a deserving one.

Several years ago during the Presidents Day holiday, I tuned into FOX Sports Radio. There was a host who was reviling Abraham Lincoln as a former slave holder. Now, I admit, I haven’t read every thing on Abe, but I was reasonably sure, whatever else he purportedly did regarding slavery, he never owned any. This was around the time some writer published some historical letters suggesting Lincoln was gay. All in all, Mr. Lincoln was having his worst year since 1865.

That’s when I started to be aware that most sports talk hosts were morons. One of my favorite things they do is add the suffix -ness to any word. Just recently one clown upped the ante. Count ’em: harshnessesses. And if one more doofus says pronounceiation when attempting to pronounce the word pronunciation, I will go Jack Nicholson on his domus dumbass. Good golly Miss Molly, that’s just sheer stupidness!

I know a Bachelor’s degree ain’t what it used to be. You don’t need any more proof that a college education is no indication of smarts, than to know I’ve dated women with doctorates. It’s a pay grade now, just like other career paths, like the military and government. It’s the $ difference between favorite son and redheaded stepchild in the will.

So, an ex-jock with a BA from Notre Dame is the equivalent, well, of another ex-jock with a BA from say, Hooters U. Any day now, the next generation of sports-talk host will be former pro stars who left high school early to sign with the NBA and get huge shoe endorsement deals from Nike. The harshnessesses of their speech and opinions will be scarifying.

I fully expect one day to tune in to a sports talk show and hear the story of how President Lincoln Hayes lll ( post Mod Squad ) made the players free agents while dry cleaning magnate Tom ” Bill O’ Rights ” Jefferson ( he had red hair! ) sexed Weezy and never married her. Their son, Michael Jordan Jefferson however, rose above his traumatic childhood to a lucrative career in hoops and has a Lincoln Continental SUV in every color. AND, like he really needs the extra cake, a talk show in my old time slot.

MY ESPN would’ve seen it comin’! Did I mention stupidness?

ARod v. HRod

March 24, 2007 Leave a comment

Baseball fans of the New York Yankees are waiting. They are foaming at the mouth. They have a player they are daring to prove himself. He was once considered the best player of his generation until he also became the highest paid player.

No prize for guessing, Alex Rodriguez has been written about enough this Spring to kill off half the trees in el Norte & a few slow terabytes of the Gorenet. But it appears to me these fans have confused ARod with Herod. Herod was a Roman governer back before the Holy Land was a tourist trap. It’s easy an easy mistake to make.

That’s because before Christmas was a retail make it or break it sales point, Herod’s court appointed seer warned him that the Messiah was due any day. Herod was a megalomaniac and wasn’t in the mood to be usurped by a Jew on a mission from God. So, jumping the gun on Tony Soprano by 2000 years, HRod orders a hit on all new born kids on his turf. Like all great stories, and all flawed sociopaths, his minions missed one. The one they just happened to miss, and wouldn’t you know it, turns out to be Yeshua ben Yussef aka Jesus Christ ( oh those Romans! )

If only HRod had been cool, maybe waited until he knew who was who, well, who knows what might’ve happened. Would it be a stretch to imagine, maybe suicide bombers would be doctors and lawyers and such? I did say stretch AND maybe.

What does this have to do with baseball and ARod in NYC? Everything. Nothing. Unless you count crucifying. Arod’s first team in the majors was the Seattle Mariners which used to be called the Pilots. Pontius Pilate* anyone? Ba da bing! Play ball.

* NOT the innovator of Pilates