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The Happy Halladay/Holliday Edition*

November 20, 2009 Leave a comment

Having recently re-subscribed to the “Less is best” school of life grad program, here is my burn out—I mean — burnt offering for the coming holidays. These are the things which can still make me laugh out loud, long and so hard, I risk a ruptured gut. Pretty sure you’ll agree.

My life is finally one with the universe. Well, the universe as I perceive it anyhow. Spike Lee, peanut head film auteur & Knicks fan, spoke out recently—no breaking news there, he does it a lot. That he called the works of Tyler Perry buffoonery, suggesting it was setting the cause of African-Americans back faster than Oprah can load a dish at an all you can eat buffet, is the shocker. Not sure I can live in a world where Spike Lee and I agree, so I’ll add the following—Tyler Perry is setting the entire human race back. Now that’s a race problem!

Perry’s partner in a recent movie release, Winfrey, has announced she’ll be ending her TV show in 2011. This one made me laugh so hard I might have to sue her for the sutures my sides required. 2011?!… Hold on, maybe she knows something! [see below] Regardless, she’ll no doubt pull a Leno and turn up on a night time version. Let’s see, I bet it will be called O! What a Night. I like O! What a Load.

The 2009 Major League baseball season ended the way it always should, so no gloat-fest here. Two things do need addressing. One is the phrase “bought players.” Teams sign players to contracts—- often for huge money. Yes, they all have the option to do so. While the jaded fan may choose to esteem that process as “buying,” they are morons. Abe Lincoln freed the slaves with that old Emancipation Proclamation. Nobody ain’t buyin’ nobody no mo’. To claim the Yankees bought C.C. Sabathia is racist. BTW did I mention THE YANKEES WIN! THE_UHHHHHHHHH YANKEES WIN!!

As for Bud Selig, 80 year old used car salesman/baseball commissioner (@ $20 million per annum). He just noticed the time lag between playoff games is a bit extreme. Wow! 20 mil doesn’t buy the quality brains does it. Of course, LA of A Angels manager of the year Mike Scioscia complained about it. Mainly due to the Angels losing. If Yankees mgr. Joe Girardi had bitched, a fresh round of anti-NYY sentiment would have filled the airwaves in red hot parallel pinstripes to the yowls of “Yankees bought another World Series” bullshit. Those fellas need some new slogans. I have one for them — STFU.

Read some history you a-holes. Sports has always been this way. You can’t sit around smugly saying life ain’t fair – deal with it to people having a rough time of it now- and then cry when your team gets whupped. Mainly because they are cheapskates. Why doesn’t Selig donate 18 or 19 million of his take, to the team with the worst record each year, so they can S I G N a big time free agent. AS if that alone assures anyone of positive results. MLB needs a major league overhaul, with a tier & rewards system for team performance. They won’t do it, because suits like Pud & his cronies like it the way it is-stoopit. Don’t blame the Yankees, blame the owners of all the other teams. But you won’t.

Nobody cries but NYY fans when tyro low payroll teams like the Florida Marlins & Arizona Diamondbacks beat the Yankees on a fluke & their owners bank the cake for trophy wives and ocean front property in Palm Springs. Oh! then it’s David v. Goliath and if it’s like a story in the Bible, it’s good enough for Joe Redass. When did douche baggery start ruling the world?

Which dovetails, in an un-dove like way to a socio-religious aspect of the current flick 2012. Seems they are ecumenical in their destruction of world religious symbols. Oh wait, they forgot to blow up any Islamic sites. Wouldn’t want to offend those clowns. Now I think of it, they do a pretty good job of blowing up the world themselves, literally and figuratively. If somebody told them the truth about the virgins (actually it’s a box of raisins – you could look it up), do you think they’d do that reprehensible shameful Bombing for Allahs trick? Still, all that doesn’t excuse the P.C. pandering of the film makers. Weak. Very.

Continuing on in the weak dept., there is a sports talk host on WFAN, New York City. The guy is a man of the people type, he speaks English natively, but he mangles it grammatically. He can barely speak a sentence without stammering and repeating words. Was this a pity hire? Hey! that’s fine on some small radio station in the sticks, not on the seminal sports powerhouse, in the world’s largest and most influential media market. The worst part is, a typical sports talk show attracts limited intellect callers. This guy’s audience takes it to a new low, the mouth breather boxing fans are the most virulent. He’s on now like 8 nights a week. Can anyone say—video of suits with donkeys?

It’s obvious, I’m thankful for all the laughter this has all brought me. I’m looking forward to all the swell things 2010 will bring. After all, we’re at the 2 year warning—the Mayan Calendar ends in 2012. Anybody else notice it’s “the Calendar?” My @#%&*! calendar ends every year. My only hope is every year would end with-

THE YANKEES WIN! THE_UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

YANKEES WIN!!!!!!

…and to all a good night.

* its a baseball thing, if you don’t know

The Artless Dodger…

May 8, 2009 2 comments

It seems Manny being Manny was aided and abetted by performance enhancing substances†[please see below]. All those clutch, drop the Yankees hits while with the Boston team, were bullshit. Now, while that city and its players enjoy the rewards their envy and hypocrisy continue to provide them, they need to admit they are phonies. If they can hate on and gloss the NYY as the evil empire, riddled with cheaters, then they themselves are surely the Weasel World of sports. Yankees suck? you m*****r f****rs suck and blow.

I have been watching, and for a short youthful period, playing baseball since 1956. I steeped myself in the game via what media was available then— TV, radio, books, magazines and baseball cards. It never seemed enough—sure baseball was talked year round—with friends. Nothing like the current media, carpet bombing 24 hours a day, seven days a week; pervasive and invasive coverage. Really, it’s too much. It encourages excesses and it gets them. From everyone involved.

Too much and yet the magpies who pass for talk show hosts on all sports radio outlets, discrete team owned tv, and networks like ESPN & Fox, turned a sycophantic blind eye to some tried and true practices. Amphetamines before games and shopping trips after—lining up groupies for stars. AND the last 20 plus seasons of slowly unfolding revelations of anabolic steroids and human growth hormones (HGH)usage by the big names of the big leagues.

It has resulted in the breeding of hack writers such as Selena Roberts (Sports Illustrated) who indicted the Duke Lacrosse team for party fouls at the rapist level before they were found NOT guilty*, to her present exposé book of Alex Rodriguez. These jock sniffing carrion eaters turn on you faster than a whirling dervish and they care not a whit if they are subsequently off the mark. The bullshit “court of public opinion” is the demographic they court. The lowest common denominator, once the exclusive stained and chawn turf of the National Enquirer, a newspaper no self respecting journalist would’ve been employed by when I was in J school, is catered to via sensationalism passing for reporting and writing.

It has also grown the barely literate radio talk host, most of whom have never read a book. If they have, it was about sports and no doubt, at the level of a fifth grader. Video games began cutting into the sports dollar heavily during the eighties and in some cases supplanted it for youth recreational time and bucks. The spawn of gamers are the announcers of today’s media. Dumb as rocks without the charm and personality. The majority of athletes, even less so. Easy to see how in this environment a clownish thug such as Manny Ramirez can thrive and pull the double-knit polyfiber over the eyes (and the limited intellect within their heads) of the feral media. One moment they are sucking up, the next, sucking the life out of their prey—the superstar, over paid and undereducated.

Major league baseball itself is led by a septuagenarian former team owner and used car salesman. He needs to step down; he never should have been there to need to do so. Baseball needs restructuring, it is at once archaic and contemporary, the new parts grafted on top of its decay, an aging Hollywood actor made of plastic. A Joan Rivers face, attempting to deceive the world into thinking she’s Megan Fox. A world moving so fast, it almost works—one because even if they had attention spans, most humans own the observational skills of two year olds.

No Boston fan will ever own up**—Manny ain’t theah prawblem anymore. I’m sure they’ll say he never got caught copping ‘roids down by the Charles River. He is however, the true face of the MLB, smug and bloated, and they only suspend him for 50 games? ha ha ha. Manny loves a vacation, he comes back well rested (pumped full of some new undetectable designer dope) for the stretch run and leads a slumping LA to the playoffs again. This is almost a strategic gift! Blow up baseball and bring the Dodgers back to Brooklyn—if you rebuild it they will come. But you won’t, you’re too fucking stupid. And so are your ugly, dumbass friends.

Did I mention beam me up, Simon? Simon! Theodore? ALVIN!!!**

__________________________________________________________________________

†  Ramirez tested positive for a  female(!) fertility drug HCG, or human chorionic gonadotropin. HCG is popular with some steroid users because it can mitigate the side effects of ending a cycle of the drugs. Going off steroids can stop testosterone production, decreasing sperm count & shrinking testicles. Manny apparently wants to maintain those big balls as well as cheat…

* Niether Roberts nor SI printed a retraction—creeps.

** Denis Leary, Doris Kearns Goodwin & Jonathan Schwartz might, but they are exceptions because they are exceptional.

** Simon Pegg appears as Scotty in the new Star Trek movie—Alvin & the Chipmunks reference 110% gratuitous, though a nuts connotation is implicit

Loudmouth Larry

February 11, 2009 Leave a comment

Larry Lucchino, who I think is clubhouse attendant for the Boston Rude Sox, has opened his huge fat mouth. Again. He says—hold on— Larry, can you get that towel over there?— his team will out smart & out work the Yankees. Wow. I’m guessing Larry is planning on tricking the Yankees somehow. This jag becomes the recipient of a teamwide epic NYY choke in 2004 and now he thinks he had something to do with it, other than sign checks. Oh hey Larr, those jockstraps need to go in the wash this morning. Thanks chief.

Maybe Larry will have mandatory magic classes for his team. That would be his style, bring in Ricky Jay from Vegas. Old fats Ortiz can have Mark Teixiera pick a card while he’s on first. Or will Marilyn vos Savant be giving Mensa tutorials to Jason ” Cro Magnon ” Varitek? it won’t help him recover his stroke, but he’ll dazzle A Rod with String Theory 2, instead of sucker punching him, this time around. What a load this clown Lucchino is. The genius who laid the Evil Empire tag on the Yankees. He was looking into a mirror at the time, but conveniently could not see his reflection. He should get Dr. Ruth Westheimer to explain penis envy to him.

I only hope I’m still alive to see that asshole get his comeuppance. I do have the sure solace that some day it will come. There is always a faster gun, Larry. BTW one of your pure home grown boys barfed all over the shower room. I guess you’ll run him out of town the way you did Wade Boggs, Roger Clemens, Nomar Garciaparra & Bronson Arroyo. Here’s a mop, hypocrite. Start ” out working ” the tiles.

The World Serious

October 28, 2008 Leave a comment

Last night MLB exposed itself yet again. All the honchos sat there for 6 innings in severely inclement weather at what was possibly the finale of the 2008 World Series. Temperatures dipped into the 30s F. Rain poured & the chill wind blew pop ups away from last season’s MVP Jimmy Rollins. It’s all in the game. What horse shit. The game itself was finally suspended, and weather permitting will pick up where it left off tied 2-2( a rule change in 2007 has remarkably taken the lords of MLB off the hook for a World Series ending in a game called by rain!) Though the forecast for Philadelphia ( Tuesday Oct. 28 ) is for cold rain.

So much of sports is based on being macho. A kick in the head-shake it off. A kick in the balls? big fun on Sports Center, as jocksniffers laugh & wince then sell some more beer. All they care about is money. And ratings.

They call guys like me whiners—clubhouse lawyers. The less sensitive (ha ha) just say it—fag. Play hard, play hurt or somebody else will. We are all expendable in life, especially in sports. If a player has a career ending injury as a result of performing under these conditions? They’ll say some phoney words of regret and replace him. Never really connecting it to their own bureaucratic cupidity. Words like battle & warrior are typically flung around whenever the jockocracy spews their pap. But what of the fan? the one who funds these contests of the human need to compete and conquer in bouts of pseudo-war. How many went home incubating a potentially serious illness?

Revenue would be lost if Major League Baseball were to shorten the regular season. There are possible solutions but they all end the same way with the suits & unis looking at less dollars. One thing these guys have down is being shortsighted & inflexible. Though they routinely raise ticket prices, food, souvenirs & parking, doing it all at once would be noticeable. For example: We are changing the schedule to 154 games (down from 162) in hopes of starting the playoff/WS season a week sooner—so, we are increasing costs by 2% across the board. The current state of the economy now makes this business suicide. Want to bet they increase some cost for 2009 regardless? not me, I couldn’t stand to lose at this point.

I am not so insular as to not remember when I wanted to play ball, rain or shine. I get the players side. But the higher ups need to prove they belong in an office. They don’t need to pretend they are men. They are not. They are fatcat white men, used car salesmen who never got picked to play in a real sport,  with access to bank accounts that pay the freight. Maybe they should buy a clue and some compassion for the humane side of life’s ledger, not just the accounts receivable to the left of the decimal point. Playing ball needs to include playing fair with people, not just to get their last rusty nickel.

Better Fed than Read

February 29, 2008 Leave a comment

Everybody is now after once immortal lock for baseball’s Hall of Fame, Roger Clemens. Latest arm of the Federal Government piling on ( a fitting term seeing as Mr. Clemens was/is a pitcher ) are the Boys of Hoover. He’s lucky it’s not the CIA. I saw a movie where Meryl Streep was in the CIA, she was one stone hearted mama. BTW Meryl is getting chunky, got to be from all those years of scenery chewing. . ..

Yes sir, the FBI will be investigating, while The CEO of the USA, is making dead grandma jokes about Latin lunkhead Manny Ramirez. Manny, being Manny, a state of being coined by somebody in Boston, likely not from Harvard, depicting moronic behavior as an expression of Ramirez’ individuality. I know he can’t, but can you say: E U P H E M I S M?

Seems Ramirez didn’t show up for the Boston victory lap around the Rose Garden. Again. He didn’t make it in 2K4 either.
I’m betting his excuse is he was off in his home country, the Bronx. Manny doesn’t know that’s in the US, a hundred miles or so to DC being too much of a hardship expense for a multi-millionaire. He does know he’s wealthy because he owns way too many vintage cars. Probably didn’t want to drive one of those babies on the Beltway. Elijah Dukes is with the Washington Nationals now, he’d key a quarter million dollar Bentley just because he saw his reflection in it.

Now looky here. No, here> If you break a law, especially one they made for your own good ( anabolic steroids & human growth hormones [HGH] bad! ), you shouldn’t be allowed to skate. I guess the cheating in sports angle really pisses a lot of people off too. Bettors get surly, makes things unpredictable, er, more unpredictable. I certainly didn’t care much for Roger Clemens when he was with another team, hmmmm what was that team? ah yes, those nurturing, benevolent Mother Theresa’s of Massachusetts, the Boston Red Sox, that’s who. They must have known someday he’d turn to drugs, so being high minded, they dumped him. Nothing to do with his four consecutive mediocre seasons. Nope. Which rhymes with ____?

I, for one, will sleep better and better, each time an athlete is punished to the full extent of the law for attempting to extend his career or get an edge. When Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens are taught a lesson, possibly water boarding, who knows, maybe all the political/religious extremists who hate US Americans, will rehabilitate themselves. Ray Stevens would like it, he could release a song parody of his old hit, the new one would be Rehab the Arab( pronounced w/a long A, like Mr. Bush would ). I wouldn’t want a PED Clemens fastball coming at my head in a dark alley! AND I damn sure don’t like the idea of Bonds breaking up my no hitter with a HGH homerun. Hell no!

A Rot + the BoZton Red Zox

October 29, 2007 Leave a comment

Sure, the headline is about Alex Rodriguez. But first things first. Congratulations to the Retard Sox! Maybe now the rest of the 2004 team can leave town. . ..

Alex & his agent Scott Borat, I mean Bora$, have notified the New York Yankees, Mr. Rodriguez wishes to explore free agency. Rodriguez hung up MVP/superstar numbers this past season. That would be the regular season, where he typically does so. Not during the playoffs, though, that’s when he typically gets hung up.

The guy has superior baseball skills. He’s a bit sensitive; I can relate so I won’t knock him for that, except to say, when he’s not thinking, he’s a great athlete. His impetus for seeking a new team is purportedly a need to play the next 10 years all in the same place. From A Rod’s POV the NYY weren’t offering him that kind of longevity; also and more likely, the kind of long green which would make him feel truly loved.

This being the age of disingenuity & duplicity, Alex Rodriguez might yet be a Yankee when the 2008 season starts. New team spokesman, Hank Steinbrenner’s comments aside, the talk money talks, will always rule. While more parochial sports pundits might claim any fan not wanting A Rod on the home team is a moron, I think that opinion is, well, parochial.

Of my 3 readers, only one is a baseball fan. So, details of why I know Rodriguez is an asset in a MLB lineup is moot. The opposite is a bit more fun to blog. The main point however is, at 30 million $ per season, A Rod money can be better spent by an aging team, which, despite some good young pitching, is what the current Yankees are. Also, the sports cliche—they lost with him, they can lose without him— springs to mind. Or more apt, falls.*

Headlines follow Alex around. Stripper PR companions. A wife in a F–k You top. Shirtless in Central Park. A forthcoming appearance in a new Jose Canseco MLB confessional. Choking ( again ) in a playoff game. You get the picture. If not, for sure, you can Google it. Then there was the 3 years worth of copy regarding the break-up with former BFF, Derek Jeter, Yankee captain & serial starlet dater. Now that was just silly. Hopefully.

If, Alex Rodriguez is done with the NYY, I’m okay. When they traded for him, I was positive. Especially since they got him after the Bostons showed they not only had feet of clay but hands of stone and mealy mouths. There is some conjecture the aforementioned de-cursed team from Mass., might consider signing Mr. Rodriguez. Wow! what a lineup of jerks whose name end with the letter z, that would be. That’s a lot of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

* for non-baseball readers, this refers to the World Series aka the Fall Classic

Money for NOTHING or I’m the Jinx of Url

October 9, 2007 Leave a comment

Calling all the baseball experts—pro or otherwise—pretty please, explain again how payroll means a damn thing. Teams win or lose on the field when & if players perform. Money is bullshit without 1 more run than the other guy when the game ends. I demand the New York Yankees open their books; seems the last 5 plus years somebody is not making those critical buy the World Series payments!

The season is too long. Major League Baseball needs to adopt a tier system. European football uses it, depending on the previous season W/L record, teams are promoted/demoted. The ‘ lower ‘ league/tier teams would also have their own playoff series and the ultimate winner rises to the higher level the next year. This eliminates that red herring payroll excuse.

Actually, I had rooting interests in 2 other teams, also now out of the picture. Hmmmm yeah I might be the Jinx of Url! I won’t name names, no sense in publicly prolonging anyone else’s annual agony. However, I will take credit if the Hypocred Sox* win another game. Because I will assume the historical Bostonian position and root for any team that ain’t them.

Now to the winning Cleveland MLB baseball club: it is 2007. Change your fucking shameful name & lose the damn cartoon face of your haybilly franchise. No wonder the USA is dissed around the world. WE are imperialistic idiots and way proud of it too. Fitting, how this happened on Columbus Day! If you can’t connect those dots, forget about it. BTW Cleveland Red Herrings sounds good to me. . ..

———————————————————–

Sigh…..after the Sixties I became a Zen Catholic. I hated no one with compassion for all. Then, a few so called friends betrayed me and I was sorely tested. Having been an under the radar draft dodger, I can’t say I soldiered on. I did my best mainly because my loathing for involuntary communal male cohabitation, i.e. the penal system, superseded my need for vengeance. Though revenge being a dish best served cold, I could still be in the playoffs. Probably not.

Now it seems I’ve reverted to my youth. The cumulative effect of failure in career & romance has worn me out. The events of 2004 exploded what was left of my resilience, because I began to hate name callers & boneheads ( read: all things Boston ). This was as the result of my personal 3 Strike Rule. Red Sox ownership alluding to the NYY as the Evil Empire, quickly adopted by their fan-base was strike one. Next the sucker punch of Alex Rodriguez by the trog Varitek, in full catcher body armor was next. Strike three was the death of a young woman during the Boston celebration for winning a playoff series! it wasn’t even the World Series for God’s sake. That and the repeated practice of Boston pitchers throwing at and often hitting Derek Jeter, finally tore it.

This was all before the Great Depression of October ’04. That was the coup d’ etat de tutti capo. I no longer respected the suffering of the Boston fans. I’ll leave it there. As I’ve all ready sunk to their level, no need to give them another chance to rise above NY, albeit a former New Yorker.

So. . . what happens next? I ain’t watching anymore baseball this year. I can’t wait for 08 though. I’m sure the Yankees will fire their old accountant and get a big time free agent CPA, maybe 2! who will double up on those WS payments tout de suite.

*©2006 JukeofUrl Productions