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The Artless Dodger…
It seems Manny being Manny was aided and abetted by performance enhancing substances†[please see below]. All those clutch, drop the Yankees hits while with the Boston team, were bullshit. Now, while that city and its players enjoy the rewards their envy and hypocrisy continue to provide them, they need to admit they are phonies. If they can hate on and gloss the NYY as the evil empire, riddled with cheaters, then they themselves are surely the Weasel World of sports. Yankees suck? you m*****r f****rs suck and blow.
I have been watching, and for a short youthful period, playing baseball since 1956. I steeped myself in the game via what media was available then— TV, radio, books, magazines and baseball cards. It never seemed enough—sure baseball was talked year round—with friends. Nothing like the current media, carpet bombing 24 hours a day, seven days a week; pervasive and invasive coverage. Really, it’s too much. It encourages excesses and it gets them. From everyone involved.
Too much and yet the magpies who pass for talk show hosts on all sports radio outlets, discrete team owned tv, and networks like ESPN & Fox, turned a sycophantic blind eye to some tried and true practices. Amphetamines before games and shopping trips after—lining up groupies for stars. AND the last 20 plus seasons of slowly unfolding revelations of anabolic steroids and human growth hormones (HGH)usage by the big names of the big leagues.
It has resulted in the breeding of hack writers such as Selena Roberts (Sports Illustrated) who indicted the Duke Lacrosse team for party fouls at the rapist level before they were found NOT guilty*, to her present exposé book of Alex Rodriguez. These jock sniffing carrion eaters turn on you faster than a whirling dervish and they care not a whit if they are subsequently off the mark. The bullshit “court of public opinion” is the demographic they court. The lowest common denominator, once the exclusive stained and chawn turf of the National Enquirer, a newspaper no self respecting journalist would’ve been employed by when I was in J school, is catered to via sensationalism passing for reporting and writing.
It has also grown the barely literate radio talk host, most of whom have never read a book. If they have, it was about sports and no doubt, at the level of a fifth grader. Video games began cutting into the sports dollar heavily during the eighties and in some cases supplanted it for youth recreational time and bucks. The spawn of gamers are the announcers of today’s media. Dumb as rocks without the charm and personality. The majority of athletes, even less so. Easy to see how in this environment a clownish thug such as Manny Ramirez can thrive and pull the double-knit polyfiber over the eyes (and the limited intellect within their heads) of the feral media. One moment they are sucking up, the next, sucking the life out of their prey—the superstar, over paid and undereducated.
Major league baseball itself is led by a septuagenarian former team owner and used car salesman. He needs to step down; he never should have been there to need to do so. Baseball needs restructuring, it is at once archaic and contemporary, the new parts grafted on top of its decay, an aging Hollywood actor made of plastic. A Joan Rivers face, attempting to deceive the world into thinking she’s Megan Fox. A world moving so fast, it almost works—one because even if they had attention spans, most humans own the observational skills of two year olds.
No Boston fan will ever own up**—Manny ain’t theah prawblem anymore. I’m sure they’ll say he never got caught copping ‘roids down by the Charles River. He is however, the true face of the MLB, smug and bloated, and they only suspend him for 50 games? ha ha ha. Manny loves a vacation, he comes back well rested (pumped full of some new undetectable designer dope) for the stretch run and leads a slumping LA to the playoffs again. This is almost a strategic gift! Blow up baseball and bring the Dodgers back to Brooklyn—if you rebuild it they will come. But you won’t, you’re too fucking stupid. And so are your ugly, dumbass friends.
Did I mention beam me up, Simon? Simon! Theodore? ALVIN!!!**
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† Ramirez tested positive for a female(!) fertility drug HCG, or human chorionic gonadotropin. HCG is popular with some steroid users because it can mitigate the side effects of ending a cycle of the drugs. Going off steroids can stop testosterone production, decreasing sperm count & shrinking testicles. Manny apparently wants to maintain those big balls as well as cheat…
* Niether Roberts nor SI printed a retraction—creeps.
** Denis Leary, Doris Kearns Goodwin & Jonathan Schwartz might, but they are exceptions because they are exceptional.
** Simon Pegg appears as Scotty in the new Star Trek movie—Alvin & the Chipmunks reference 110% gratuitous, though a nuts connotation is implicit
Set Phasers on Stunned
The new Star Trek movie (US release May 8 ) has a lot of really good things going for it. I have not seen it yet, but I will. This, despite the fact that along with some very poignant secondary casting i.e. fulfilling a dying academic’s last wish, director J.J. Abrams has included that pretentious prat, T. Perry.
Zoe Saldana portrays Lt. Nyota Uhura—I’m sure Perry is heartbroken he didn’t get the role. Does he play her mother? He’d be perfect as a Klingon—but they don’t wear mumus and eye shadow. This clown must have video of major Hollywood players doing donkey shows. Fortunately the rest of the cast can actually act, I’m praying to Zeus & Apollo the hacktor CD, has limited screentime. Somehow, I knew those old airline barfbags would come in handy.
AS for the old gag reflex, personal events kept me from commenting on the Yankees woes. Even a curmudgeon fifty-plus year baseball fan, knows not to get too negged out in April. Yet one can’t ignore the obvious. I admit I was wrong—this 2009 season’s version of the Yankees bullpen will not shine. Wow–do they suck. And A.J. Burnett, who had appeared to be the only Free Agent acquisition who came to play, totally blew up against the Rat Sox. Sorry, I guess he was nervous once he found out I was watching. I won’t do that again.
Good news is, once they leveled the A Rod-less Yanks, the Beanotown Nine has lost a bunch of games. Couldn’t happen to a more deserving bunch. I have no doubt both teams will be brawling against each other down the stretch. If Alex Rodriguez survives and hits, and Mark Teixiera finally shows up in the same batters box as his bat, the Yankees will be in it at the end. That said—
Selena “The Middle-aged Witch” Roberts’ book about A Rod has crawled out from under its slimy rock. She is the same Sports Illustrated writer who jack-rabbited a story accusing the Duke lacrosse team of party rape several years ago. Those student athletes have since been exonerated of crime, but not after Roberts made her tainted bones off them. Alex Rodriguez and I are not acquainted—but I’m guessing he might be guilty of using illegal, performance enhancing drugs. The key word, as always, in all this crap, is illegal. Because — corrective lenses for players with vision problems or batting gloves for players with sweaty palms are in fact, performance enhancing. As are bigger baseball gloves, tighter wound baseballs and @#%&*! lights for night games—of which there are way too many.
Having gone to journalism school, and been in trouble for my own work ( a few misplaced commas and ummm, some verbiage ), I know what it’s all about. Selena Roberts is only doing what comes natural, like the scorpion did to the frog. I personally chose not to be a reporter. Though, if I could nail Tyler Perry for something I would do it. But unlike Roberts, I wouldn’t write a book. I’d go to Mr. (?) Perry and tell him—if you stop making movies – I won’t publish. Quid Pro Quo Vadis.
They all lived happily ever after. Beam me up Simon…
A Ronic?
It may be awhile before any of the new smoke clears around Alex Rodriguez. Will he have surgery? or be muy macho, make that muy pendejo and play through it. Until he drops. Then we can have some real fun. The next month will tell the tail ( sic ). Sports people are so ignorant, it’s painful. They prefer to wait until there is real damage—meaning the guy can’t cut it on the field. Sheesh, do you think Madonna. . . oh, never mind.
AND if you have enough money to buy an expensive MLB licensed jersey with A Fraud on the back of it, you need to be made to also have A Hole on the front. It would be stupid any time, but during an economic recession, your credit card should be cut up and you need to see a shrink. That’s not freedom of speech, that’s being free dumb.
All sarcasm aside, this is a serious health issue and the last few weeks have been both figuratively and now literally degenerative, for Rodriguez, the increasingly devalued Golden Boy. The best part really, will be if the healing process will include doctor prescribed anabolic steroids.
NOTE: as of March 8, Mr. Rodriguez has opted for a two-stage hip operation. He has plans to play this season, following a period of rehab. Scheduled return on or about May 11.
A Gony
Breaking News: A Rod needs hip surgery. Out – ? – months. . ..
Gee whiz. I know Selina Roberts is a pain in the ass for Alex Rodriguez, but yikes. May be up to 4 months on the disabled list for a torn labrum! Sounds more like he’s snakebit. Well, at least he’s not ” immature ” like Pat Burrell. Bababooey. . ..
I bet Joe Crede is kicking himself in the ass now ( maybe not ). Anybody have Aaron Boone’s phone number? Scott Brosius? Graig Nettles? Work those phones Cash. Deej—you know David wants in the Bronx—make it happen ( yeah Wright, I mean right ).
I guess A Rod really didn’t want to make that Boston roadie. Speaking of huge pains. And asses.
Something in a 48 and long
I am so worn out with people pontificating, who have never read a book, much less studied history. Even in their own ( and only ) area, of so called expertise. Yet, they look at everything through a toy microscope, while seemingly observing nothing beyond the obvious at the macro level, around them. They do have a name—they are the sports talk hosts, sports writers & the majority of sports fans. There is an old saying: If you can’t be a sport, at least wear a sport’s coat. Sport’s coat collection keeps getting pilfered by the aforementioned. AND they are ill-fitting.
ESPN is purportedly a sports and entertainment network. Most of their program content panders to the NFL and the Boston Red Sox. They have all the instincts of piranha with blood in the water. The current Alex Rodriguez story of steroid abuse, is right in their wheelhouse. They are tracking down A Rod cousins with the pit-bull tenacity of a yenta trying to get a match for an unmarried Hasidic woman pushing 30.
Only a lead with a heavy anti-Yankee angle could drag ESPN kicking & screaming from sucking up to the NFL. The National Football League—where 104 players guilty of steroid use would be the results for just two of their teams. Admittedly, it would be believable if an NFL player had no idea what substance he was shooting up. Baseball players are not all that bright, but compared to football & the other sports ( tennis the one exception ), they are virtual MENSA members.
Oh yes, ESPN is having a field day with A Rod’s downfall. Every move is analyzed, every facial expression critiqued. I can’t help but wonder how they’d have handled this, had Rodriguez become a Boston Red Sox player. Something which almost happened, but for the greed of the Major League Players Association.
Here’s how I imagine ESPN handling the same story—only A Rod is on the A Sox, er I mean Red Sox. . ..
Sports Center — A MLB player, whose anonymity is legally protected, has allegedly tested positive for a substance. This is ESPN Sports Center. Now back to Mike, Mike, Mike, plus Mike with special guest—Other Mike.
Mike: Wow. That’s some story. Hey Mike! You know Sports Illustrated has that swim suit issue coming out.
Mike: Yeah, my wife won’t let me see it. I made a doctor appointment, hoping he’ll have a copy in the waiting room.
Mike: Ha ha ha well, I bet what happened is the player was struggling and maybe had a protein shake right before the test any way.
Mike: Absolutely. And the SI reporter—isn’t she the one who got that Duke Lacrosse rape story all wrong? I’m trying to wrap my head around that.
Mike: That’s her all right. Hmmmm and also I’m guessing she’s not in the swimsuit issue too.
Mike: Ha ha ha ha ha. OK going forward. The NFL Draft is coming up in a few months. I hear this season they’re drafting Junior High kids. Smart move!
Mike: For sure Mike. I bet they have training programs especially set up for them. Lots of juice and running!
Mike: You bet. Lots of healthy juices.
Mike: I guess we should mention baseball spring training Mike.
Mike: Yep. Red Sox look awesome of late. Especially A Rod. What an ath-ah-lete!
Mike: You got that right Mike. Madonna sure looks awesome for 50. She’s un-compare-able. Probably in the Top 100 or at least 1000 for her age.
Mike: Mmmm SHE could be in the swim suit issue!
Mike: Great Mike. But I really can’t wait to see some of those 12 year old boys run the 440 at the Combine.
Mike: I’m not the Mike who said that!
Mike: Me neither!
Mike: Not me I’m married.
Mike: How ’bout that swimsuit issue!
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I wish they’d all just go to Texas. AND take all those bad sportscoats with them.
Loudmouth Larry
Larry Lucchino, who I think is clubhouse attendant for the Boston Rude Sox, has opened his huge fat mouth. Again. He says—hold on— Larry, can you get that towel over there?— his team will out smart & out work the Yankees. Wow. I’m guessing Larry is planning on tricking the Yankees somehow. This jag becomes the recipient of a teamwide epic NYY choke in 2004 and now he thinks he had something to do with it, other than sign checks. Oh hey Larr, those jockstraps need to go in the wash this morning. Thanks chief.
Maybe Larry will have mandatory magic classes for his team. That would be his style, bring in Ricky Jay from Vegas. Old fats Ortiz can have Mark Teixiera pick a card while he’s on first. Or will Marilyn vos Savant be giving Mensa tutorials to Jason ” Cro Magnon ” Varitek? it won’t help him recover his stroke, but he’ll dazzle A Rod with String Theory 2, instead of sucker punching him, this time around. What a load this clown Lucchino is. The genius who laid the Evil Empire tag on the Yankees. He was looking into a mirror at the time, but conveniently could not see his reflection. He should get Dr. Ruth Westheimer to explain penis envy to him.
I only hope I’m still alive to see that asshole get his comeuppance. I do have the sure solace that some day it will come. There is always a faster gun, Larry. BTW one of your pure home grown boys barfed all over the shower room. I guess you’ll run him out of town the way you did Wade Boggs, Roger Clemens, Nomar Garciaparra & Bronson Arroyo. Here’s a mop, hypocrite. Start ” out working ” the tiles.
A Rot + the BoZton Red Zox
Sure, the headline is about Alex Rodriguez. But first things first. Congratulations to the Retard Sox! Maybe now the rest of the 2004 team can leave town. . ..
Alex & his agent Scott Borat, I mean Bora$, have notified the New York Yankees, Mr. Rodriguez wishes to explore free agency. Rodriguez hung up MVP/superstar numbers this past season. That would be the regular season, where he typically does so. Not during the playoffs, though, that’s when he typically gets hung up.
The guy has superior baseball skills. He’s a bit sensitive; I can relate so I won’t knock him for that, except to say, when he’s not thinking, he’s a great athlete. His impetus for seeking a new team is purportedly a need to play the next 10 years all in the same place. From A Rod’s POV the NYY weren’t offering him that kind of longevity; also and more likely, the kind of long green which would make him feel truly loved.
This being the age of disingenuity & duplicity, Alex Rodriguez might yet be a Yankee when the 2008 season starts. New team spokesman, Hank Steinbrenner’s comments aside, the talk money talks, will always rule. While more parochial sports pundits might claim any fan not wanting A Rod on the home team is a moron, I think that opinion is, well, parochial.
Of my 3 readers, only one is a baseball fan. So, details of why I know Rodriguez is an asset in a MLB lineup is moot. The opposite is a bit more fun to blog. The main point however is, at 30 million $ per season, A Rod money can be better spent by an aging team, which, despite some good young pitching, is what the current Yankees are. Also, the sports cliche—they lost with him, they can lose without him— springs to mind. Or more apt, falls.*
Headlines follow Alex around. Stripper PR companions. A wife in a F–k You top. Shirtless in Central Park. A forthcoming appearance in a new Jose Canseco MLB confessional. Choking ( again ) in a playoff game. You get the picture. If not, for sure, you can Google it. Then there was the 3 years worth of copy regarding the break-up with former BFF, Derek Jeter, Yankee captain & serial starlet dater. Now that was just silly. Hopefully.
If, Alex Rodriguez is done with the NYY, I’m okay. When they traded for him, I was positive. Especially since they got him after the Bostons showed they not only had feet of clay but hands of stone and mealy mouths. There is some conjecture the aforementioned de-cursed team from Mass., might consider signing Mr. Rodriguez. Wow! what a lineup of jerks whose name end with the letter z, that would be. That’s a lot of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
* for non-baseball readers, this refers to the World Series aka the Fall Classic