Archive

Archive for February, 2009

Fantasy Islands

February 28, 2009 4 comments

Dateline: Moronia

The no talent referred to in the previous post has announced he’s buying an island. This is purportedly to celebrate his 40th birthday. And the fact that there are a lot of stupid people spending their money on his crap movies. I think he just wants a place where he can lounge around in a mumu and not have to bother about the man part of his wardrobe. He’s not that rich, saving is saving, once you have a whole island to support.

My sources have located his realtor*, here is his dream list of islands:

1. Fantasy Island

2. Treasure Island

3. Coney Island

4. Gilligan’s Island

5. Long Island

IMO he all ready lives on number 1.

There was a time Martin Lawrence was the premiere idiot among black entertainers. After all, directing traffic in your underwear & doing the most illiterate monologue ever on live TV ( Saturday Night Live ), pretty much locked him in for the 90s. But the planet sized ego, only matched by the inverse size of Tyler Perry’s talent, gives him the lead in the 21st century. Athletes don’t count, they have too unfair an advantage—nobody expects them to be smart. They are legion and so competitive, it’s difficult to choose one; that list changes on a daily basis. With entertainers ( sic ) one needs to evaluate a body of work. In this case, the body is a male, wrapped in mama’s clothing & Holly Woodlawn make up.

Let’s get one thing totally straight. I do envy people who can make money doing what they want to do in life. However, I can’t respect it when the method employed is such bullshit. Historically, when plays & acting were evolving, the rôles of women characters were portrayed by men. This is because along with not bathing, Europeans in the Middle Ages and on into the Elizabethan period, believed any woman who’d be in the show business was a whore. [ The Greeks who started staged performances, were another bowl of grapes. Too much for this post to handle.] Typically, they were correct, a girl’s got to eat and pay for frilly things too, ya’ll. Today, it’s somewhat the same, though it’s— if you are a man dressing as a woman for a payday, you are a whore. Hack. Whore. OK, a whore-hack. Never to be confused with a Horshack. That’s a whole other thing. Which is not a poorly constructed brothel in Deadwood. Though it could’ve been.

Oh sure, don’t be telling me the clown wrote the part( s ), so it’s his art. I grasp the process and the rationale. There’s a word for it though, let me think—oh yeah, greedy whore. There’s not one black actress alive who could play any of his lameass bitches better than he could? Oprah would’ve done it for free. OK maybe not free—but scale for sure. Too bad the woman who played Aunt Esther isn’t still with us. CCH Pounder could’ve knocked it out of the park, but she has too much integrity to do this kind of dreck. Isn’t he basing the mannerisms and traits on a real woman( or real women )? You know, maybe being so bitter ( albeit accurate ) I’ve been blind. Maybe his characters are drawn from ugly black transvestites! it would explain the broad, ham-handed strokes. Damn! I owe him an apology.

So, I’d like to solicit contributions. Send as much money as you can to Tyler Perry, so he can buy his island asap. Then we can vote him off this island and onto his own. I hear Alcatraz Island is lovely this time of year. Also affordable. Just don’t mention, it’s no longer an active penitentiary, so the male population is currently zero. All is fair in love and whore. And real estate.

_______________________________________________________________________

* speaking of pretentious—when did the second pronunciation of the word realtor become dominant? It’s a schwa sound you dorks. Now it sounds more like predator. Rhymes with whore now too. Excellent

Advertisements

Homeless Box Office

February 23, 2009 Leave a comment

Little did I know when I woke up today, that a cross dressing no talent hump would save my life. According to him, this clown was once reduced to living in his car or some phoney Hollwood bullshit back story. He kept praying to the Lord, and Taylor ( not Tyler ) apparently. Because one day, while dumpster diving for dinner, there amidst the Mickey D boxes & wrappers, he found a size 26 floral housedress.

The rest is dreck history. The Lord obviously sending the message, if you all ready believe in me and that hasn’t worked out, the next stage is dress like a woman and make movies. Larry King is too stupid to ask why this ahole keeps at least one fine big black woman out of work, it’s their problem, huh. Maybe they’ll find a Sumo diaper, move to Japan and make it there. In a related story, Queen Latifah and Jennifer Hudson are duking it out for the lead in a biopic— Tyler Perry: Drag Yo Ass.

My antipathy towards drag flicks—not drag racing Biffaside, I do have him to thank. As soon as I am faced with my own eventual homelessness, I will not make my first stop a store to shoplift an air freshener for my car. I will go to Goodwill and get me a dress, sensible shoes, wig hat and a theatrical agent. Hedging my bets, I’ll drop by Sears and pick up a large Frigidaire box. I’ll probably never make a movie in a dress—just a guess.

I held an Oscar once—I don’t know about now—but 20 years ago, those boys were heavy. They should weigh even heavier on the consciences of the schmucks who didn’t vote for Mickey Rourke. In a year where they got almost everything else right, why? Anyone with a brain knows why. I never had a shot out there. But sometimes I’m glad I never did. I bet my old friend with the Oscar voted for Mickey though—that’s because the friend was a guy from Philadelphia. Ben Franklin & the Stallones would’ve given it to Mr. Rourke for sure. They’d know the difference between merely good acting and a huge heart.

AND since this is a bit random, I’d like to state once again ( and no doubt in a future post ) nothing says going backwards like boxing.* Nothing screams it louder than women boxing. Those idiots call boxing the ” sweet science “. Does the inclusion of women make it the sweeter science? Or maybe just butch-er. There’s a good chance most of them have no idea what science is—the last time beating people might’ve been considered scientific was just before the Paleolithic era.

Maybe I didn’t wake up at all and this is 1809. No wonder my fucking ISP is so slow!

_____________________________________

* Mickey Rourke was a professional boxer before his acting career & for a period of time, during which he left acting. So, I am open minded. Any guy who names a chihuahua after the Norse god of malevolent mischief, is OK with me.

Something in a 48 and long: Post Script

February 20, 2009 Leave a comment

Having just listened to yet another ” reporter ” spew anti-Yankee bias ( a guy on the NY Post—known Yankee f**kers ), I had an epiphany. But before I lay it bare, I just want to state I grasp the nature of the media. Especially now, when news is virtually instantaneous & the need for it insatiable. It is also remarkable how many in the media lack compassion & empathy. To possess those fine human traits would be counter productive for them. Which brings me to the light bulb that just clicked on.

The media are parasites, it is in their nature to bite the hand that feeds them. Keep in mind one critical thing as regards the outcry & muckraking in the Steroid Era of Major League Baseball. It took these ” reporters ” almost a decade after the fact to catch on. This is because most of them are really just gossip writers. As for TV? they are even less capable of investigative work, their skill is reading. Radio? hahahahahaha Though, it’s odd, since most of them were in the clubhouses & locker rooms. How could they miss it?

Each day, in every way my relationship with life as we know it becomes more clear. And why I no longer have any sports coats. . ..

Categories: Blogroll

Something in a 48 and long

February 20, 2009 Leave a comment

I am so worn out with people pontificating, who have never read a book, much less studied history. Even in their own ( and only ) area, of so called expertise. Yet, they look at everything through a toy microscope, while seemingly observing nothing beyond the obvious at the macro level, around them. They do have a name—they are the sports talk hosts, sports writers & the majority of sports fans. There is an old saying: If you can’t be a sport, at least wear a sport’s coat. Sport’s coat collection keeps getting pilfered by the aforementioned. AND they are ill-fitting.

ESPN is purportedly a sports and entertainment network. Most of their program content panders to the NFL and the Boston Red Sox. They have all the instincts of piranha with blood in the water. The current Alex Rodriguez story of steroid abuse, is right in their wheelhouse. They are tracking down A Rod cousins with the pit-bull tenacity of a yenta trying to get a match for an unmarried Hasidic woman pushing 30.

Only a lead with a heavy anti-Yankee angle could drag ESPN kicking & screaming from sucking up to the NFL. The National Football League—where 104 players guilty of steroid use would be the results for just two of their teams. Admittedly, it would be believable if an NFL player had no idea what substance he was shooting up. Baseball players are not all that bright, but compared to football & the other sports ( tennis the one exception ), they are virtual MENSA members.

Oh yes, ESPN is having a field day with A Rod’s downfall. Every move is analyzed, every facial expression critiqued. I can’t help but wonder how they’d have handled this, had Rodriguez become a Boston Red Sox player. Something which almost happened, but for the greed of the Major League Players Association.

Here’s how I imagine ESPN handling the same story—only A Rod is on the A Sox, er I mean Red Sox. . ..

Sports Center — A MLB player, whose anonymity is legally protected, has allegedly tested positive for a substance. This is ESPN Sports Center. Now back to Mike, Mike, Mike, plus Mike with special guest—Other Mike.

Mike: Wow. That’s some story. Hey Mike! You know Sports Illustrated has that swim suit issue coming out.

Mike: Yeah, my wife won’t let me see it. I made a doctor appointment, hoping he’ll have a copy in the waiting room.

Mike: Ha ha ha well, I bet what happened is the player was struggling and maybe had a protein shake right before the test any way.

Mike: Absolutely. And the SI reporter—isn’t she the one who got that Duke Lacrosse rape story all wrong? I’m trying to wrap my head around that.

Mike: That’s her all right. Hmmmm and also I’m guessing she’s not in the swimsuit issue too.

Mike: Ha ha ha ha ha. OK going forward. The NFL Draft is coming up in a few months. I hear this season they’re drafting Junior High kids. Smart move!

Mike: For sure Mike. I bet they have training programs especially set up for them. Lots of juice and running!

Mike: You bet. Lots of healthy juices.

Mike: I guess we should mention baseball spring training Mike.

Mike: Yep. Red Sox look awesome of late. Especially A Rod. What an ath-ah-lete!

Mike: You got that right Mike. Madonna sure looks awesome for 50. She’s un-compare-able. Probably in the Top 100 or at least 1000 for her age.

Mike: Mmmm SHE could be in the swim suit issue!

Mike: Great Mike. But I really can’t wait to see some of those 12 year old boys run the 440 at the Combine.

Mike: I’m not the Mike who said that!

Mike: Me neither!

Mike: Not me I’m married.

Mike: How ’bout that swimsuit issue!

______________________________________________________________________

I wish they’d all just go to Texas. AND take all those bad sportscoats with them.

Boston Bean Boston

February 12, 2009 Leave a comment

The Cincinnati Reds of the National League, were one of the first organized baseball teams, established in 1882. Historically, they are often considered the first professional team, the original team nickname being the Red Stockings. Stocking in the 19th Century was a word synonymous with the word socks, which is a diminutive of stockings.

The Boston Red Sox came along in 1912. I guess since they were in a different century, league (American), city & state, nobody would notice they couldn’t think of their own name. Why am I not surprised? Before any one leaves a comment, I suggest you could look it up. All of it. Sadly, facts never stopped anyone from B-Mass. I’d have gone with Boston Brahmans myself. If only I’d taken that scholarship to B.U. I’d have only just started hating Manny Ramirez!

Here’s one chowdah heads will truly love. Boston technically does not have an NFL franchise, though they claim the Patriots. When they win. But the city once did have its own pro football team. From 1944 to 1948, get ready for it beanbags: the Boston Yanks! Stole another name and shortened it, again. Golly, Yanks is short for Yankee. Anyone who has ever read more than a comic book, knows all over the world Americans are called Yankees. That must really grind Sawks fans who travel. ” I am nawt a Yankee, you friggin retahdahd bahstahd “

I’m not shocked at the lack of originality. Freud would have had a field day with the subconscious shortening. But since for decades they fell short, if the sock fits. . .. Now the Boston MLB club has bought their own World Series rings ( read that slowly for undeniable accuracy in reportage ), they are again coming up short in the grace department. I’m forced to admit, they are good at nouveau hubris.

I won’t be around to know if I’m right, but I’m betting in 10,001 CE, once they win their 26th WS, the baseball Bostons will adopt that old  Boston Yanks nick. Why not! No matter what they call themselves, they will never be New York. Though I might suggest they adopt the letters N & V. They can interlock and get them close. So close. But no cigar. AND as Dr. Freud once said-sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. They are just shorter in Boston.

This, Bud, is for you!

February 12, 2009 2 comments

MLB, in a well deserved & hypocritical hissy over the ongoing steroid revelations, has a collateral problem. The big time players, such as Alex Rodriguez, Roger Clemens & Barry Bonds have careers worthy of baseball’s legendary Hall of Fame. Well, they did until the cover got blown off. Sure, you could keep them out. But seriously folks.

However, I am proposing the solution. This is hereby Copyrighted 2009 by JukeofUrl Productions. In place of the team logo the player was most associated with, the plaque will show him with this on his cap >

Here’s what it looks like

Steroid Era Cap

Steroid Era Cap

Here’s how it might look on the plaque

HOF Plaque version

HOF Plaque version

In your hearts, you know I’m right. Don’t thank me all at once.

AND may the Yankees never win another game if the following is not a fact: I once played on a softball team sponsored by a local pharmacy. You guessed it–that was the logo. I loved that hat.

Loudmouth Larry

February 11, 2009 Leave a comment

Larry Lucchino, who I think is clubhouse attendant for the Boston Rude Sox, has opened his huge fat mouth. Again. He says—hold on— Larry, can you get that towel over there?— his team will out smart & out work the Yankees. Wow. I’m guessing Larry is planning on tricking the Yankees somehow. This jag becomes the recipient of a teamwide epic NYY choke in 2004 and now he thinks he had something to do with it, other than sign checks. Oh hey Larr, those jockstraps need to go in the wash this morning. Thanks chief.

Maybe Larry will have mandatory magic classes for his team. That would be his style, bring in Ricky Jay from Vegas. Old fats Ortiz can have Mark Teixiera pick a card while he’s on first. Or will Marilyn vos Savant be giving Mensa tutorials to Jason ” Cro Magnon ” Varitek? it won’t help him recover his stroke, but he’ll dazzle A Rod with String Theory 2, instead of sucker punching him, this time around. What a load this clown Lucchino is. The genius who laid the Evil Empire tag on the Yankees. He was looking into a mirror at the time, but conveniently could not see his reflection. He should get Dr. Ruth Westheimer to explain penis envy to him.

I only hope I’m still alive to see that asshole get his comeuppance. I do have the sure solace that some day it will come. There is always a faster gun, Larry. BTW one of your pure home grown boys barfed all over the shower room. I guess you’ll run him out of town the way you did Wade Boggs, Roger Clemens, Nomar Garciaparra & Bronson Arroyo. Here’s a mop, hypocrite. Start ” out working ” the tiles.