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Archive for January, 2008

Infant Item

January 25, 2008 1 comment

Rumor has it the Writers Guild is nearing a contract. This will mean new scripts and/or those on hold, will be available for projects all across the media. Yippie. And I mean it.

I have some things I don’t grasp about writing, specifically for television(teleplays). It’s centered around a pedestrian plot device & female foot wear. Any veteran viewer will know of what I speak, as soon as I get to it.

SCRUBS, a much better than average hospital situation comedy, is in it’s final season. They’ve had a roller coaster ride. Every season renewal was doubtful, though critically acclaimed. One of the young leads, Zach Braff, has launched a independent film career during his tenure. But ratings were always less than what NBC had in mind. Still SCRUBS persevered for seven seasons. Can you say syndication bucks? They sure can.

Here’s why I cite them. Seems as if every freakin’ character on the show has had a baby, a second baby, wants a baby or just likes to talk about babies ( creepy ). Historically in TV Land, in the land of the bland, the one note man is King, that TV Land; a baby( or theoretically cute young child ) is injected into a show, in hopes of boosting sinking ratings. Once upon a time, some network suit made that suggestion ‘ take one baby, just add poop jokes ‘(or stole it, more than likely from a kid in the mailroom) and it worked. So, for the last 50 years, it’s the go to fix. The phrase Jump the Shark, is more like it. Does anybody remember Cousin Oliver?

My best guess is the SCRUBS people are just having a laugh up their scrubs sleeves. Meanwhile, the writing is still funny & occasionally poignant. The baby shit however. . . not so much. And yet, I wondered, what larger scenarios might become more popular, by adding a baby.

OK I bet you thought this right away too! The White House. Mr. & Mrs. Bush could get the married twin ( one is married right? I’m a writer dammit, poetic license ) and have her live there pregnant and give birth ( ideally in the Oval Office ), for the final year of Bushocracy. Wackiness ensues at press conferences and State dinners. Grandpa George was a wild card at them—imagine the grandkid! I smell a hit. Possibly something else. . ..

By extension then, add a baby to the Iraqui War. Have the whole Armed Forces adopt one. Humanizing, sentimental and distracting. Can’t miss. There can be new WMD jokes ( make up your own words, it will be easy ), scenes of the baby being fed during house to house searches, first steps ( and missteps, booboos!), first words: I’m guessing they will be: fire my !@#%* agent! Let’s call it: Shock and Awwww.

Apologies to Jonathan Swift’s Modest Proposal aside, I could go on and on. Luckily for everyone, I am having an episode of dropsy. So, just one more pitch. It could get rough here, you might want to stop reading. Hey! I warned you. How about for special downs during the Super Bowl, instead of a football. . .. Just kidding. They don’t need bigger ratings. Maybe just get the kid drunk on Bud, put it behind the wheel of a Dodge RAM. If they can get it to drive to an Army recruiter? BOOM! TV gold.

Now, for the footwear. I don’t like high heels. So, from my POV, no occasion, in any room. . . calls for a woman to wear them. Yeah, yeah I know what they do. Who cares. They can’t be fun to walk in or really do anything upright; most women would likely agree on that point, right after attending to their blisters. But when I see female characters who are purportedly police or FBI or meter maids running down a bad guy wearing stilettos, my brain blisters. You can’t convince me a woman smart enough to be a doctor or a nurse is working those 20 hour shifts in spikes. Who has final script approval? Hugh Hefner? Where are those femi-nazis when you need them? It’s just dumbass. Somebody needs to er, step in and put their foot down.

Though, if there was a show with a baby cop in a pair of sky high heels! Wow. I think I’d watch. If the writing is good, naturally.

The Santanic Verses*

January 15, 2008 2 comments

Johan Santana is still a Minnesota Twin. If he were a biological twin, it might help matters. Or just double the dubious pleasure and pain, surrounding the question of what team he’ll be pitching for in the 2008 MLB season. Not to mention all the words employed to discuss it ad nauseum. It should be pointed out Jose Canseco has a twin. So, as always the caveat: results may vary. . ..

Oh, which handsome suitor will attract the fair Minnesota GM Bill Smith ( is that his real name or is he hoping to maintain anonymity, if it goes bad?) and win his handshake on a blockbuster deal? Will it be the New York Yankees? Hmmm every other day they are like Al Pacino in Godfather lll—they try to get out. But they get pulled back in. The Yankees seem more like Silvio Dante’s ( The Sopranos ) impression of Al; funny and scary at the same time.

What about the Redolent Sox of Boston? I sure hope not. Though at this point, frankly Scarlet Ho-s, I don’t give a darn. The move would out those loads as the real once and future Evil Empire. It would also make it even sweeter to beat them down again; Mr. Santana’s stats at Fenway are improving, though historically, not all that awesome. Damn, I might’ve just messed with Karma. Oofah.

OR, now coming out of left field, landing on 3rd, the New York Mets. If any organization knows Yankee Envy, other than the Bostons, it’s the NYY crosstown cousins. BTW has anyone ever told the Mets ownership, that when they chose Dodger Blue & the orange to honor the late lamented NY Giants, for their team colors, neither of those teams wore pinstripes ( Mets have a pinstriped uni )? that team was/is the Yankees. They’re the team who stayed in New York City. Based on recent performance, if the Yankees had moved to California, they’d be about 11 pennants lighter, because they cannot win for losing out there!

Anyhow, the Mets really need Santana, especially after their unprecedented meltdown last season. They may yet get him too. But the Twins are reluctant to make a deal which would make them look weak to their fans. They have the right to ask for a lot, but they are dragging their heels like a guy who has to go to a chick flick.With his wife and mother in law. AND he pathetically keeps trying to get his wife to sweeten the deal— you know how. You also know how it ends. So, in hopes of ending this stale stalemate, I propose the following solution:

The NYY, BRS & Mets make a joint offer. They each give the Twins 4 guaranteed-can’t miss young players( that’s a joke son ) w/less than 2 seasons of MLB service, making them very attractive to Twins owner, Ebeneezer Pohlad ( 12 players for 1 ). Then, the 3 teams can share the use of Santana. Naturally he can’t pitch v. himself, so they’ll need an arcane, rotating formula, which Boston’s Bill ‘ sabermetrician ‘ James can develop, in the same unbiased way ( coughing fit ) George Mitchell did his steroid investigation.

The Twins will of course need 3-6 more months to consider if the offer is a good one, or until their brains thaw. It’s awfully cold in Minnesota, this time of year. . ..

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* US Copyright law does not allow copyright for titles. However, if I see any hacks copping this one, as they did with Santana Clause, I’ll come back and name names. So note the date January 15, 2008. Caveata ides illegitimi!

©2008 Jukeofurl Productions