Archive for June, 2007

Good Luck

June 27, 2007 Leave a comment

Sure, maybe I do have nothing better to do. Maybe. Would that make something ignorant left unchallenged, a pearl of wisdom? When I was working in the media everyone from owners, management ( well, natch ) to the paperkid, felt free to criticize & correct me. When I was wrong or had made a mistake, I fixed it. I routinely called to find out local pronunciations after having once said heth ( saying it as in beth ) for a proper name which looked an awful lot like heth: spelled H e t h. It was actually pronounced like heath ( as in heeth)! I had to go lie down the rest of the day, but next time, I said it right, dammit! I didn’t keep saying it wrong just because I thought it should be said my way. Is that a concept simple enough to grasp?

Others are allowed mistakes. But when they repeat them and have high paying gigs, I grow bitter & resentful. I’m only human. Human, btw, a word I was told I said wrong because I prefer the listed second way, without the pretentious breath on the H. What a freakin’ mess.

The disturbing trend of ‘ perception is reality, ‘ is really deplorable. It means if you want you can make anything the way you like it to be. I wish that worked at the bank. ” Hi, I’d like to tell you there are 6 more places to the left of that decimal point. I believe that so I’d now like to withdraw 2 million bucks. Thank you & have a nice day. . ..”

But just because you’re a stupid sports talk guy doesn’t mean you can force your moronic mistakes on me. OK, sure, I could choose not to listen. But 1) I want to hear baseball talk in the morning and 2) then the terrorists win if I don’t tune in. I don’t care if you are a 5th generation farmer, the word teat is pronounced tit. Why oh why oh why. At least I know why I’m unemployable, my last ownership had doctorates and Master’s degrees and couldn’t pronounce my name correctly. AND they bought the place & didn’t even know what my real name was. Not that it mattered one beat or bit or whatever, to them.

Speaking of the bank: why are 99% of all customer service reps automatons? Don’t answer, it won’t help. Holy moley it’s like trying to ice skate in a pigsty. Backwards. During a heatwave. In Texas! Smell what I’m cooking Dan Rather? Each day, in every way, I grow to admire the late George Sanders, actor. He knew when to get out. These were his last known words, left in his suicide note:

“Dear World, I am leaving because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. Good luck.”

‘ Sweet?’ I’d have just gone with simply cesspool. Wow, I even disagree with dead guys I admire. Hmmmm maybe it’s actually pronounced sweat! That would make ESPN & the jockocracy happy. . ..

A Very Special Episode of Vox Absurditas: Please Give Now!

June 23, 2007 Leave a comment

There is a huge world of deprivation out there. Long ago I noticed a sad & disturbing segment of the human population. I write this today in hopes that we may be able to reverse a severe problem by applying the great American propensity for charity to it. It is with that in mind I ask you to donate to a worthy cause. A cause often overlooked because the individuals in need are so bereft, so ashamed, they only have one name to seek your hard earned dollars, oops — I mean, help. That’s right ladies & gents, I want money so that we can provide these pretentious assholes with a last name.

Sure, there have always been one name recording artists. Divas like Cher. Genius such as Mozart. Stooges named Moe. But since the start of the 21st Century, the increasing trend of one name spotlite ho-s ( oh yes, I did do say it ) is epidemic. I won’t name them by, er, name. This is because 1)I am not here to pimp them 2) I am too lazy & 3) I will just get all angry again. I admit when I was young I liked a one name artist. I won’t name names there either, though for the brilliant here’s a contemporary clue–they’re suddenly using his songs for commercials after all this time. Good agenting somebody!

But back when, I was a kid & rock was young, I’m older than that now. I want to say snotty things: one name is certainly easier for a fanbase with the cumulative IQ of their median age, to remember. I know that’s unkind to put it all on that, it also facilitates mistaken purchases among those who can’t quite hit that modest number of smarts—cha ching ya’ll.

Maybe much of this is mental on my part. When I was pursuing my own music career, I changed my name. I had an ethnic first and last name & the kind of songs I wanted to write didn’t fit my real name. That’s a whole other story. But one part of my disgruntlement was all the well intentioned ( ? ) people around me suggesting I just use my real first name. Since this is my blog, I can actually repeat verbatim what my response was to their idea. I won’t because I’m a fucking considerate guy and won’t use that kind of language here.

It might also be hypocritical considering I use no name here. My WordPress ID is an old screen handle born of necessity & not wanting to be JoeCool31862. AND because I prefer anonymity due to censure & death threats in previous incarnations. I’d like to skip past that in my twilight years. I’d almost believe the current crop of mononommes were so humble they didn’t need to use their real names, or be inventive enough to come up with a matched set. ( see Elton John or Elvis Costello- or El Kabong—hmmm what the el is that all about? ) But I don’t buy it for a second.

You shouldn’t buy it either ( literally ). They are dancing hard & fast into the spotlight, not in the shadows badmouthing shallow one trick ponies. Well, at least not for money. They are not shy, just shallow. BTW speaking of death threats, I am emphatically NOT including Rap & Hip Hop artists in this rant. Most of their names fit well, sound sharp & convey an attitude. OK not all do it–but they suit the genre. You feel me?

Come on. If your birth certificate says you’re Hugh Shitt, by all means change it to something easier to deal with in life. Like Bill Shitt. But don’t become a singer and gloss yourself HUGH. It just looks like Shitt to me. . ..

I’m Sorry But So Is Brenda Lee*

June 13, 2007 1 comment

I apologize to those of you who enter search data such as arc d’ Triomphe, which is an historical architectural arch in France, and get a diatribe about Paris Hilton! Or foxy boxing and see just one snotty line about that execrable pursuit. Or something about say, the Boston Red Sox and have to read the truth about them.

AND sorry to fans of Marshall Crenshaw, who recorded a version, and Ben Vaughn, who wrote a terrific song with the above *title. US Copyright Law does not permit copyrights for titles. Providing it’s a unique, original creation, which is in no way intended to cause confusion with another more successful work. This will also explain why I am currently working on a new screenplay called Pirates of the Caribbean: Kiera Knightley Showers Nightly for 3 Hours! It’s an independent production, I sold all my comic books & baseballs cards, with only one goal: spending time with Kiera. I am so over Paris. . ..

L A Miserables and/or Paris is Burning

June 9, 2007 1 comment

So, I show up at the Hilton’s for some sushi pizza rolls & home movie night. Next thing I know LAPD rolls up, slaps some retro bracelets on girlfriend and voila, she’s back in jail. Everybody was screaming & crying but me. This is because in fact, I wasn’t really there. . ..

Paris was breaking the law. She violated the terms of her parole & DUI is bad. Though I think people driving with a cell phone in one hand & a mamuffin ( sic ) in the other is much worse. Drunk is drunk, thought processes are impaired, they might not be thinking straight. That is if they were actually straight to begin with prior to getting wasted. What’s the db with all the oral fixations excuse? Jerking Paris Hilton around is starting to look very creepy and a bit cruel. AND it’s polarizing people. Well, mainly other cerebrally challenged  heiresses from around the world. . ..

Like everything else in the US now, it’s crap. Seat belt laws are excuses for police to stop anyone, anywhere, anytime. And gee, a revenue garnering op too! I’m not so bereft of discernment to think Paris Hilton should just get away with a slap on the wrist when she ( or anyone else like her ) incurs a serious infraction. Again, municipalities like AND need ways to gain funds. Can you say big fine plus community service? Put her in the wrong size jumpsuit on the PCH scooping up bottles & used rubbers, accessorized with that outré ankle wear. Make the colors clash, that alone would teach her a lesson.

Wags make noise about frivolous lawsuits. People will eventually sue themselves: Your Honor, the accused ( AKA also me ) promised me I’d be a billionaire by age 30 and has failed to deliver on that promise to the tune of $999,993, 745. 38. Meanwhile, Osama bin Laffen, remains at large. How about gratuitous sentences? Oops. All right, you may all take a number, but I have the right to refuse comment option checked.

1 Pitches. . ..

June 8, 2007 Leave a comment

Here, in summary, is why I am not suited for real life, or what passes for it. I don’t like the Red Sox, and I’m sure not fond of fellow WordPress blogger Curt Schilling. Yet, he’s a great pitcher. I don’t feel good that he didn’t get the no hitter tonight.

On the other hand, once it was broken up, it would have been better that he lost the whole game too— 😉 See above: great pitcher.

OK gotta go, Paris invited me over to her house. . ..

Arc d’Triomphe

June 7, 2007 Leave a comment

Hmm I wrote that Paris bit at 03:35 EDT. Who busted her out? The Fantastic 4?

Meanwhile Lindsay Lohan is still on the run. . ..

How Can You Keep Them Down on the Farm. . ..*

June 7, 2007 Leave a comment

Paris Hilton, is doing time, in a house of correction. Just like another high profile blonde before her, Martha Stewart, Miss Hilton is being used as an example. Proving that wealthy white women go to jail too, especially when it gets ink for the ‘ good ‘ guys. That’s such a lovely show of equality. It should serve as a cautionary tale for all of us scoff laws. Even her mom thinks this will be good for her character. It’s precisely that kind of surface logic that keeps the US doing the same stupid shit all over the world.

I’ve never been arrested, so I haven’t been incarcerated. I knew some people who have been, and maybe it made them better people. But, better compared to what? what they used to be? Possibly. Whose standards are we employing? Considering Paris’ mother is er, um her parent— that’s a moot point. I gotta think some of Paris’ behavioral problems come from her mama. Paris’ faults aside, I don’t think it’s funny putting her in an environment so drastically removed from what hers is like for that level of law breaking. She may indeed be scared straight, but it’s something that might have been punished with community service time.

So, Paris is jailed for having an inflated sense of self worth and not much awareness of the California Driver’s Manual & how the laws may or may not apply to her personally. Judging by just the photos of her getting in & out of cars, she doesn’t worry about it or her underwear. Maybe that’s what her mother meant! If she makes it out ambulatory after paying her debt to society, maybe she’ll dress more appropriately.

I think this is the perfect spot to make the following comment. If the lame-ohs in the media ( like Dan Patrick & the rest of ESPN ) are going to keep having sport at Lindsay Lohan’s expense, how about learning how to pronounce her name. It’s LOW-en. NOT Low-HAN. All you ever need to know about deposed Disney honcho & huge fathead, Michael Eisner, is he once introduced a movie on TV Lindsay did for Disney, saying how wonderful Lindsay Low-HAN is. Arrogant dumb ass. If only Walt could’ve thawed out and kicked him off the lot right then, on camera.

Miss Lohan does not suffer from the same background of privilege as Miss Hilton. She do like to party a la Paris & has also interpreted the California Driver’s Manual the same way as her former pal did. OR are they back together? Well, not for awhile, as Paris is indisposed. Hopefully, not riding a broom in the jail laundry room. Though it might be the natural sequel to her first starring role, which coincidentally involved no underwear. Though she was emphatically, not driving.

Maybe this kind of infraction demands jail time. I’d have gone for community service myself, but I got a C in Intro to Business Law. One of my neighbors was a judge, but he retired and moved and I’m not using up a favor calling him about this. I’m not blonde, but if one more schmuck here slows down for a green light, then speeds up on the amber & leaves me sitting at the red, I might need him. . ..

* after they’ve seen Paris

Bourne to Run his mouth

June 6, 2007 Leave a comment

IN light of his recent Letterman gig dig at the NYY, I realized I forgot to include Matt Damon as an acceptable Red Sux fan. Luckily, he’s done some damn good work in the Bourne flicks, or I might be rude. But then I’d be a hypocrite, because I like Matt Damon AND Ben Affleck. Unlike Boston fans, I’m open minded.

I don’t think I mentioned I once had a scholarship to BU. . ..

Kind of a Drag. . ..

June 4, 2007 Leave a comment

I just heard a sports talk host on a NY station say the Boston fans are creative. This guy is a nominal Yankee fan, and he’s a p/t overnight guy, but this statement is too much. Is the phrase ‘ Yankees Suck,’ an example of this high wit? Oscar Wilde is green with awe in the afterlife. Dorothy Parker has called an apres-thanatos roundtable at the Algonquin to cede to Red Sawx fans the mantle of the pithy epigram.

Bullshit. This weekend, to some ‘ creative ‘ yelping of ‘ Where’s Roger?’ by what looked like drag queens with no fashion sense, the NYY stifled their death rattle, winning 2 out of 3 in Feng Shui Park. Wins, spurred on no doubt by Dorothy’s de-throning & the recent end of the Gilmore Girls. Meanwhile the locals ignored the fact that much like the unloading of Babe Ruth, Roger Clemens was rejected in his attempt to stay with the Red Sox by the Boston suits back in 1996. Blaming the NYY ( again ) is easier, but it ain’t creative.

Creative? Boston leads the league in nicknames for team members with ‘ pap ‘ in them. Can anyone say Oedipal Complex? That began a few years ago when Pedro Martinez revealed one of his parents wore midnight blue pinstripes. Yeah, well, I’m creative too. Sawx sounds more like sucks to me & with the apparent conflicts they have there, with homoerotic subtext & mammarian fixations, the Boston supporters may yet enjoy victories through their team, but they are inverting in their collective ids. The worm is squirming in the libido where they pahk the cah in Hahvahd Yahd.

When I think of Boston fans, the image of Charles Manson at age 2 dominates. Frenetic, lacking in grace & drooling while throwing tantrums that Lou Piniella would envy. Oh sure, there are some smart Boston fans. Ones I not only like, but understand. Denis Leary & Doris Kearns Goodwin are savvy & reasoned fans. In 2004 even overcome with misery, I was glad for that kind of Rat Sox fan, when they won, fluke and all. That state of bonhomie exists no more.

Sure, there are dummies who root for the Yankees. This is only human and though I wish it were otherwise, it’s fact. However in New York there is another team & the majority of its fans also hate the NYY. Yankee fans catch it home and away. As a refugee from the NY Metro area, I am a Bronx born Yankee fan. But for my own reasons, some less obvious than others, I like when the Mets win. I’ve covered the schadenfreude aspect of rooting against a team here a few times, but there is also the kind of sports fan who, when referring to the team they follow, sound as if they just walked off the field & showered off some game sweat with the boys jabbering: ‘ we really kicked their asses tonight! ‘ That kind. The Boston kind. While vicarious victories are great, they are fleeting. Also, I am not actually a Yankee player, so I reap no actual benefits when they win. I draw no paycheck either. There ain’t no we in Yankees.

Oh, by the way Beantown, Dolly Parton called, you chowdah heads need to pony up for all those wigs. AND for Pete’s sake, tweeze them eyebrows theah, you looked wicked retahded.