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Archive for May, 2007

Memorial Day

May 28, 2007 Leave a comment

is every day ∞

Duhmb & Duhhhhhhhhhh

May 25, 2007 Leave a comment

IF just one more person, on the radio airwaves, uses the pronoun his as the possessive prefix for -self, I am telling! Did these guys all take extra gym? sniff too many jock straps? What in their brain tells them himself, just can’t be right?

A few years back, I was friendly with someone who was not the best educated person I’d ever met. Though she had many admirable qualities, I think her years as a junkie and lover to a dude doing time for armed robbery, left her a bit short in the grammar department. So, when she said; ‘ he just ain’t hisself since he’s in prison,’ I didn’t correct her after the first dozen times. But she wasn’t part of a nationally syndicated radio program. More importantly, she was good looking.

In a previous work here, I limply pointed out many of these jock hosts add the suffix -ness to words the way Mr. Bush adds zeroes to the left of the defense decimal. Doing it so often, they occasionally are correct by default. OR is that defaultness? Listen, I had big problems in school with grammar specific tests. I know gerunds are words not German rodents, but I couldn’t identify one for love or a deviant. I’m not perfect as God & my old high school English teacher Miss Ritz know; frankly, I enjoy speaking in a word gumbo-like street patois as much as the next pseudo-intellectual. Any early in the day reader of this old blahg, must have quite a hearty chuckle at my typos.

But how does an individual, without the basic grasp of spoken English get a job public speaking? and could they tell me how to do it too! If I knew 20 years ago how lax the standards would be now, I’d have had a whole different life. Again, some time back, I came across a major publishing house whose novels had more than a handful of typos. Not just one author or the same book, but several titles found on library shelves. Somebody needs to be fired for installing that spellchecker. But how does it get past a human proofreader? do they even employ one?

You might go into shock, but I once collaborated on & edited a college level text. One day, long after the publishing, for a laugh I decided to proof it again. Yep—I found a mistake. Now, 3 other people had looked the manuscript and the galleys over and missed it too. So, I know how it feels to feel and look stupid. I offered the aforementioned publisher my services. I haven’t heard from them. Apparently one error is much worse than say, 6! I guess it stands out more in an otherwise pristine field, like my car in the golf course parking lot.

I’m not demanding the language always be spoken formally. That would be stilted & lacking in texture. Here in Virginny local announcers often pronounce the word vehicle, vee-hickle, QED. That actually speaks for itself quite well. They are guys who were huntin’ & fishin’ when Miss Crabtree was larnin’ folks how to talk good. They also say a long vowel a when doing ad copy because they believe it makes them sound professional, as in the following: Zeke & Jody’s Pre-wrecked Veehickles is having aye sale. . ..

Prick that I am, I called the station manager once and asked why he allowed this. He told me: ‘ hey! I’m still trying to get them to wear shoes!’ That may well be sarcastic, having fun at the damnyankee know it all’s expense. But I think he needs to take aye good look at hisself in the mirror!

Dear 0,

May 23, 2007 Leave a comment

Oh gf! I just don’t know what’s funnier—your daddy writing a book about you or that you’re worried about it. Don’t worry, you have nothing to hide. And you know he can’t write a lick. . ..

Your Biggest Fan,

Effluvia Marsha Fields

PS I have still not got my free car, but I do have the tax bill–who pay for that?

Ad by Subtraction

May 23, 2007 Leave a comment

Studio 60, Aaron Sorkin’s West Wing follow-up show, has struck it’s sets. It won’t be back in the Fall on NBC, or any time, anywhere. Yet another triumph for the American TV viewer, most of whom like their shows written with a crayon. An unwrapped, chewed, dull crayon.

Yeah, let the critics line up: Studio 60 was too inside TV, the characters were not identifiable, they talked too fast, blah blah bleah. I do suffer from a rare duality. I am at once both lazy & too literate for the playroom. But I’m not that literate, my favorite author Shannon Wheeler does a comic strip [ Too Much Coffee Man ] & I’m not that lazy. Okay, maybe I am. . . hey! I just typed out OK dammit.

The last bastion on broadcast television for well written dialogue ( that’s the programming we ostensibly don’t pay for ) resides in newer comedies such as The Office and 30 Rock. Unlike 90% of all other TV sitcoms, I rarely know what’s coming next. Being a lazy dude, one would think I wouldn’t like my brain prodded. I don’t. But if it provokes a smile or even better, a laugh, I guess I do! The vast majority prefers knowing what will happen when that big fat load married to the 30something hot chick ( all fat guys irl have wives like that ), gets caught with his hand in his pants. I know too: the network goes to a 4 minute commercial break. . ..

Drama? forget it. Hospital shows, cop shows, cops in hospital shows & hot wives who haven’t found a lumpy guy yet shows. Now, that’s entertainment. You know what else is? the amount of typos I make in any given paragraph ( 8 so far in this one ). One word describes the plot of all these shows: advertising dollars. It’s one word, believe me and not your eyes. Americans want blood, imagined when they can’t get the real deal.

There’s a new show coming on CBS, Moonlight. A vampire decides be a detective to help mankind. Hmmm sounds familiar-ish. I liked it when it was called Angel, produced by Joss Whedon ( Buffy, the Vampire Slayer ). Whedon’s last foray into TV a space-cowboy effort called Firefly, failed big time. Needless to say, I really liked it. It was on Fox, which is epic in it’s programming of really good TV shows, only to dump them faster than a lottery winner does his old wife. The list is impressive. It is also my Blockbuster Online queue.

Everything recycles. Well, probably not Studio 60. A new fictional Washington D.C., political show will, can’t recall the name and I’m too lazy to Google it. I will look forward to it. At least for the 4 or 5 shows it will air before it gets bumped for Wives Swapping Spit in Out of Control Monster Trucks. Wow! Deadwood Season 3 ( and the last ) & ROME Season 2 ( and the last! ) are out on DVD in a few months!!! Gotta go add them to my BB queue—maybe I shouldn’t have said that. . ..

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the Boston Hypocrite Sox

May 21, 2007 4 comments

David Ortiz, of the Boston baseball club, last year’s winner of The French Legion of Demerite, just opened his stupid, barely articulate mouth. High on his team’s success, early in this 2007 season, he says ‘ . . .we don’t have to worry about other teams, they have to worry about us. . ..’ Nicely put, you fathead. Proud your team is ahead of the Yankees, who have had 10 key players on & off the disabled list in the first 42 games? Most of them starting pitchers? It’s likely the NYY are more worried about 3 injured young men, just beginning their major league careers, than about you and your organization of hypocrites.

Boston baseball for years has been built on rooting against the Yankees, chanting sophomoric slogans & selling T-shirts adorned with those slogans. That’s how they raised the money so they could buy players too, because even though they hate the Yankees & reviled them for years for doing just that, they decided that’s how to win. As fate would have it, they won. They gleefully went out & celebrated their freakish, unprecedented triumph over the Yankees by promptly killing a young woman in the process. There, they went past New York fans in that sad statistic.

Ben Franklin left Boston as soon as he could, and went on to a great career. Much the same thing happened to Babe Ruth. The Boston fans blame the Yankees for Ruth’s departure, when it was Boston owner Harry Frazee who sold him because he needed money. The legend goes it was to mount the play No No Nanette. It was in fact, to pay for the building of Feng Shui Park & keep his franchise afloat. It was also because Ruth wanted to play more outfield & get more at bats, which was limited by his starting pitcher chores. Frazee, did not agree & there was your Boston curse until 2004.

So, the Yankees are having a tough season. It happens. Their manager, Joe Torre’s luck & skill is fading. If it wasn’t for bad luck, GM Brian Cashman would have no luck, or at least not have all those kids on the DL. Last but far from least, George Steinbrenner is old & not the guy he was, and will never be again. The joy of Boston fans & Yankee haters is built on injuries & misfortune. There is a word for that, schadenfreude, which comes to us from the Germans ( the phrase of course often appended to the source ).

Mr. Ortiz, doesn’t know that word, he doesn’t know many on a good day. He does know how to hit, especially against the Yankees. The Yankees passed on signing Ortiz a few seasons back when he was cut loose by the Minnesota Twins for budgetary reasons. Just imagine if they had signed him! Oh how the Boston fans would love their Big Papi. Yeah, I think not. Unlike many players, I doubt Ortiz would’ve succumbed to the pressure of playing in New York. Mainly because he doesn’t know the meaning of the word—literally. Though last season, he took a leave of absence as his team battled for the AL East. He wasn’t doing well. Naturally, he felt ill.

I would’ve felt some compassion for him had he not puked up some quotes regarding Derek Jeter’s worthiness as a player. Eventually the Yankees lost out on reaching the 2006 World Series, mainly because they didn’t hit against the Detroit Tigers. But the Red Sox were at home watching too. AS for Mr. Ortiz: you, your team & the town you play in are ungracious winners. You can win every World Series until the end of time & you will always remain hypocrites. Maybe this schadenfreude has something to it after all. . ..

You Get the Picture

May 14, 2007 Leave a comment

This one time, at life camp, a rejection letter from a music publisher told me: ‘ you’re not exactly breaking new ground here.’ I wasn’t so out of touch I didn’t know what that clown meant. Still, where is this terra incognita? it sure as hell, remains incognita to me. Which brings me to advertising. Visual ads are my favorite: the focus on TV, though it applies to any medium using pictures. Especially food & fashion needs we might have at any given moment.

Does it make you want to eat their something, somewhere, when you see other people laughing it up, cramming huge hunks of stuff into their faces? They’re getting paid. We, literally on the other hand, will be paying. Do these jerks think we’re monkeys? Wave a really yellow banana, painted banana yellow btw, at us and we just gotta ooh ooh ah ah? Look Zippy! there’s a picture of an actual Bionic Burger! Come and get it & don’t forget your wallet.

It is also a fake, specially created burger, taking up an entire screen and/or page, a burger, the preparation of which, likely cost the advertiser what it would cost to feed a small town for a week. Because that burger looks like no other you ever salivated over? Does anybody over the age of weaning infant not know what a hamburger looks like? Caveat emptor: if you come across that same burger lying around after the photo shoot though, don’t eat it, you won’t like it. It’s sprayed with chemicals to make it look, well, um, special. Then we come to all those beer commercials! Ever notice how the ratio of men to women is typically 4 to 1? or none! A reason to drink more beers? OK – – – admittedly that is realistic. But who the %#@! needs to be reminded?

Now I think of it, speaking of M to F ratios real or contrived, fashion print ads are the most egregious offenders. Glossy ‘ men’s ‘ mags such as Esquire & GQ, always have pics of languid male types posed ( natch ) looking smug and disdainful. Occasionally a woman, mostly dressed in as little as possible ( no objection here ), is thrown in to sati ‘fy us heteros, we ain’t looking at soft core gay material. Which, it is.

Yes, there has been a trend in the last few years of blatant homoeroticism in print ads from the big fashion houses. So much so it got noticed by decency types! amazing, huh? They are, as ever, a font of perspicacity. It is pretty obvious when you have dudes in their underwear ( or out of it ) draped around each other. Or worse.

My personal objection is the styles are just recycled and too often, just awful. White belts & huge shirt collars looked bad in 1967 and every year after. AND wtf is up with the big black shoes? I don’t trust guys who wear those, even Bono. It can be said the current mode of models, both genders, are more disdainful. Because they are getting paid and they know they wouldn’t be caught dead wearing that crap, unless they weren’t paid to do it.

The biggest fashion innovation of the last 25 years, is that men wear their shirttails out—even under their lame ( albeit too expensive ) designer sports jackets! Wow! fat guys have finally made an impact the pretty boys & weekend casualistas can live with on the Vineyard. If you are a dedicated follower of fashion and/or just like looking at male models, chanson á son goût. BUT should you find them lying around after the photo shoot, don’t eat them. . ..

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Run Jesse Run Part 2

May 11, 2007 1 comment

Why don’t you concern yourself with sports figures such as PacMan Jones & Michael Vick. Maybe you should help the troubled instead of creating trouble. Sports teams don’t ‘ hire ‘ players. They only have those who are available at any given time to attempt to negotiate with the athlete’s agent & agree upon a contract with them. Do you seriously believe a professional sports franchise prefers mediocre players based on racial bias? Have you ever participated in organized sports? even played at all? understand it? I highly doubt it.

It’s time you focus your waning influence in your ‘ community ‘ on those individuals all ready in place who are criminal and recidivists. I think you’re a racist.