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I Don’t Need a Weatherman. . ..

Since it will come as no shock to the 2 pals who might read this, I am a looney. The kind who complains about the weather. Mark Twain once said: ‘Everyone complains about the weather but nobody does anything about it.’ That might necessarily have been a fact of life 100 years ago. Oddly, it seems, here in the early 21st century, it is too. If you don’t count all those goofballs doing TV weather, praying for a huge event so they can add to their clip reel & move up to a larger media market.

Yesterday, in an undisclosed location in Virginia it was 79ºF. Admittedly, that’s a bit high for April 3. However, according to the National Weather Service, by April 8 Sunday morning, it will be 19. Let’s see: if the nuns taught me correctly, that numerical drop equals…………. EFFING RIDICULOUS!!!!!!

That particular Sunday happens to be Easter. So, Jesus will rise again but if he does it here he better be wearing his Artic fleece. God may allow the sun to rise too, but it won’t be working, hey! it’s a major holiday. BTW there’s no guarantee of the sun showing up. But come on! I’ve long held the opinion that the spirits of slaves rule the weather roost here in the Cold Dominion. The clouds come and hang around, many of them dark. That’s the way they roll.

Who is the more righteously angry? God, that my Roman ancestors whacked Yeshua? or all those used & abused abducted Africans? Are they working together like the Allies in the dunes ( Iraq not Vegas ). Did my ancient relative own slaves? were some from Africa? Am I reincarnated! Am I about to have a huge sinus attack?

I can answer only one of those questions with certitude. AND it doesn’t make me happy. Sure, most of reality, doesn’t make me happy. But a 60º temperature differential is just sick. There is the little problem this spot is 2200 feet above sea level. A small fact I overlooked when I moved here. An exegesis on the weather anomalies here will appear next time I’m short of other things to rail about.

AS with many reality based things, I have had battles with the weather. Freakish amounts of snow fall have contributed to adversely affecting my career. It’s also accelerated the end of a relationship, heads up kids: women from Michigan don’t think 3 feet of snow in 2 days is a big deal, no matter what Windy Rains of Hack-U-Weather says. Once during contract negotiations, I was criticized for looking out the window then commenting on the weather conditions. In my defense, it was a radio job. They were taking issue with my personalizing the report. Every small town dj does the same thing. Me, I do it—and I’m treated like I’m Tom ‘ Adolf ‘ Coughlin. Scheiss und schnitzel!

Today though, I’m here to ask ‘ God ‘ or whoever plays games with humans, wtf is up with that dude? I suppose compared to death camps, war zones & random cancer diagnoses, 19ºF in April ain’t no thing. Yeah, if you’re in %@!#* Anarctica with the nuns! er, I mean penguins. Is that any way to treat Easter? Maybe God is still using the US Postal Service and hasn’t gotten the 2007 calendar? or maybe April Fools Day falls on the 8th in Hebben!

It does support my theory God may be a serial killer though. Sorry little flowers & bunnies. It’s also not lost on my keen Sherlockian mind, that this nasal spray I’m about to huff, is named Afrin. I better dust off my Easter bonnet too, it’s gonna be wicked cold & nobody will be doing anything about it.

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